


Blue Monday

by jasperbren



Series: Strawberries and Cigarettes [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Smoking, Swearing, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-07-29 02:56:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 24,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20074978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasperbren/pseuds/jasperbren
Summary: Lukas has been barely holding it together.After trying to kill himself a year ago, he’d tried to hold together for Petra, but his mental health has been slipping, and he’s not sure if he can keep going.Until he meets Jesse, and makes a promise.(Just a warning, this is going to be a pretty heavy story so be careful)





	1. 38 Days Before

It was a chilly November day when Lukas saw the young man kill himself. 

He didn’t know why he tried to stop him. In his opinion, the world was going to shit and it wasn’t like there was anything keeping him from doing the same thing except for his guilt, which was what made the whole thing confusing as hell. 

Maybe it was how the guy, about the same age as himself, had spotted him staring. 

How he turned his head and grinned, his bloodshot green eyes meeting his own. 

He vaguely remembered diving forward, filled with a strange, unnameable urge, shouting “ _ WAIT!” _

But then he stepped off the bridge. 

Lukas gritted his teeth, turning around, not bothering to try and spot the aftermath. He’d tried the same thing a year ago. 

Only to wake up in the hospital hours later with broken bones and water in his lungs, and the only person by his side to greet him being his only friend, a recovering drug addict, not his long-gone family. 

The only person he was keeping himself alive for nowadays. 

It was a big fucking joke, that’s what his existence was. 

Growling in irritation, Lukas walked away, shoving his hands into his pockets and shuffling away. He wondered what kind of journal entry this would make. 

_ Dear diary, today I saw a guy like me do something I’ve wanted to do for years, and failed at. I tried to stop him. I think he succeeded.  _

He sighed, trying to push his angry thoughts out of his mind as he put his headphones back on and scrolled through his music library, finally settling on a song and walking towards the bus stop. 

_ Morning In America.  _

He mouthed the lyrics to himself, rubbing his left forearm, the one covered in countless scars. That song had been in his head for awhile. The song he’d listened to on repeat for weeks, at its loudest while his foster parents argued outside his bedroom, at its quietest when he laid in bed, trying to sleep. He’d woken up to that song, too, staring into the freezing and broken storm-blue eyes of his best friend. He remembered her angry sobbing and gripping his hand in her fist, mingling with the far-away strains of music from underneath a dense layer of dull aching, painkillers, and delirium. 

It wasn’t like Petra didn’t hate everything any less than he did. 

He was still around because she was in a worse situation than he was. 

With a sigh, Lukas boarded the bus, the final chords of the song fading away, followed by the familiar opening of  _ Bohemian Rhapsody _ .

It seemed like today was going to be just another shitty day of self-loathing. 

<~>

When he saw him in calculus class, Lukas froze. 

_ Damnit, I’m seeing shit again.  _

He’d seen those bloodshot green eyes not five hours ago. 

The guy must’ve sensed he was staring, because his gaze flitted to his face, and he smirked, exactly how he had when he’d jumped. 

Lukas blinked. 

This couldn’t be real. 

Muttering irritably, he turned back to his worksheet. 

But then, once the bell rang and he got up, stuffing his pencils and notebook back into his bag, a pair of paint-splattered and bruised hands snatched it away from him. 

“Hey!” Lukas hissed. “Give me th—“

It was  _ him _ .

“Gee, Blondie, looks like your handwriting isn't terrible,” the green-eyed guy remarked, flipping through the pages seemingly at random. “Y’know, if I weren’t such a fucking terrible artist, or the sun set in the goddamn east sometimes, we’d be popular people. Maybe even famous.”

Lukas just stared at him. “But… but I—I saw you jump!” He blurted. 

The guy chuckled, snapping his notebook shut and dropping it into Lukas’s open backpack. “I’ve got a hideout under there, dumbass,” he remarked. “There’s a rope that you hold onto. Really gives you a taste of what it would be like, ya’know? To fall from up there and just end it all? I mean, from the way you look, it seems like you’d enjoy a little death, huh?”

Lukas frowned, giving him a once-over. 

This guy was a bit shorter than he was, his tanned brown skin covered in countless freckles. A slim, yet pleasant face, also covered in freckles, a small scar marring the corner of his mouth. Small yet tough build. The guy could’ve probably been a football player, but the paint stains on his clothes and hands said otherwise. Dark, wavy brown hair, cropped short in an undercut at some point but now tangled and unkempt up top, spilled down into his eyes. 

Those bloodshot, luminous green eyes, filled with an angry turbulence that could only be described as crashing waves, underlined by dark shadows from sleep deprivation.

“I don’t recall ever seeing you here before,” Lukas grumbled, hefting his backpack onto his shoulders and trotting out of the room. 

Green Eyes followed, still grinning. “I normally skip this class,” he said. “I don’t give a flying fuck about calculus, you see. Science, either. I just want to go to art class and paint, but have you heard that the school’s running low on money so they’re cutting the art program next semester? Why not pour less money into our shitty football team that hasn’t even made the regionals in what, eight years?”

Lukas scoffed in amusement. “Yeah, but they like huge, muscley assholes with dudebro syndrome kicking the shit out of each other more than they like creative writing,” he replied. “Now, do you have a name, or am I gonna have to call you Green Eyes?”

The guy let out a loud laugh that echoed in the empty hallway. 

“Jesse,” he said, holding out a hand, and as he did so, Lukas saw the angry red lines in his brown skin peeking out the end of his sleeve. 

So much like his own. 

And in that moment, Lukas felt something, like a spark of electricity connecting them by the very similar self-inflicted wounds on their forearms. 

He shook his hand. 

“We’re one and the same, Jesse,” Lukas said. “I’m Lukas.”


	2. 38 Days Before

“So what kind of hideout is this?” Lukas asked as they headed back to the bridge. 

“You’ll see,” Jesse said, lighting a cigarette as he walked, tucking his lighter in his back pocket. Lukas couldn’t believe that he wasn’t shivering, given the fact that it was late November and yet here he was, walking down the street wearing jeans, a black sweater, and muddy red converse hi-tops. It confused the hell out of him. 

“How are you not cold?” Lukas asked. 

“Low heat tolerance,” Jesse said, blowing smoke. Judging from his lack of details, it seemed like it was a topic he wanted to avoid. 

Lukas didn’t pry further. 

“Oh, hey, look!” Jesse remarked. “It’s snowing!”

Lukas frowned, glancing up. Sure enough, fat white flakes were drifting down from the sky. Jesse laughed, twirling around and sticking out his tongue to catch one. 

“I’ve always liked snow,” he said. 

Lukas couldn’t help but smile. “I thought you said you were gonna show me your hideout, not dance around like a low-budget Rihanna.”

Jesse rolled his eyes and laughed. 

Even though they’d barely known each other for a day, Lukas felt oddly comfortable with him. Almost as if they’d been friends for years instead of just hours. 

When they reached the bridge, Jesse walked along the side, mumbling to himself as if he were counting something. He finally stopped at a lamppost near the center, leaning over the side and grabbing a rope. 

“I tied this here a while ago,” he said. “Since hardly anybody uses this one footbridge, I’ve only had to replace it once, and that was because of some asshole raccoons.”

He continued pulling the rope up until he reached a knot tied to it. “Now watch this,” he said, holding onto the rope, just above the knot. 

And then he jumped. 

Lukas yelped in alarm, watching him fall, but then the rope snapped taut. Jesse swung all the way down to the side, to the base of the support struts, and out of view. 

The rope went slack a few seconds later.

“Uh, Jesse?” Lukas called, leaning as far over the side as he dared. 

“Pull the rope back up and swing down!” Jesse shouted. “It’ll be obvious where to land. Just don’t hold on too long!”

Lukas winced, pulling the rope back up. 

He took a deep breath, climbing up and over the railing. “C’mon,” he muttered. “Don’t be a chicken. You’ve jumped off a bridge before.”

And then, before he could lose his nerve, he jumped. 

He fell for a full two seconds before the rope caught him, which felt more like two hours. 

Terror rushed through him, and he clung to the rope, realizing he was screaming and cursing. For a moment his brain was paralyzed with panic as he remembered, a year ago, plummeting to what he’d hoped was his death. 

His whole body froze up as the river rushed closer and closer. 

But then the rope caught him, almost yanking his arms out of their sockets, but the painful jerk was nothing compared to the pure terror rushing through him. 

And then he saw the little platform. 

Nothing more than a metal grate attached to the support strut, probably a maintenance platform. Jesse was balanced on a beam next to it, waving wildly. Lukas yelped as his feet hit the grate, and it banged loudly as he stumbled to a halt. 

“Dude, you need to let go of the rope, you know,” Jesse said. 

Lukas somehow managed to unlock his fingers, letting go of the rope and stumbling to the beam Jesse was standing on. It was about eight inches wide, and there was another rope strung up, this one as a sort of a handrail. 

“You good?” Jesse asked. 

Lukas bit his lip, grabbing the second rope and stepping onto the beam. “I’m terrified but okay,” he said, trying to calm the shaking in his voice. “I did not enjoy the long drop.”

Jesse shrugged. “There’s no more swinging around, trust me.” 

Lukas let out a sigh of relief. 

They kept going, walking along the beam, all the way to the side of the river where the supports met the bank. There, there was a small drain about the size of a manhole cover, at waist height, with a grate over it. Jesse merely pried it off with a board. 

“Get in,” he said. “Crawl through to the end. Make sure you go in feet first because there’s a drop.”

Lukas shrugged, and climbed into the tube. Wincing, he realized it was a little smaller than he’d thought. His shoulders could almost touch the sides, but thankfully, he still could wriggle forwards. The tiny tunnel was startlingly short, though. After moving only a few feet, Lukas realized his feet were dangling out the end. He pushed himself out, and, to his surprise, he was in a subway tunnel. 

“Woah,” he murmured. 

“I was lucky to find this place a few years back,” Jesse said, slipping out of the pipe. “It’s part of that old expansion of the subway system that they ran out of money for about ten years ago. This here was supposed to be a station, but they never built the entrance that was supposed to be up on the end of the bridge.”

Lukas glanced around, pulling his bomber jacket a bit tighter around his shoulders. It was like a refrigerator down here. Jesse seemed to have compensated with an enormous pile of blankets and pillows on an air mattress next to a little portable heater. There was a paint-stained, navy blue duffel bag locked with a padlock next to it. 

“There’s power down here?” Lukas asked, glancing at where the heater was plugged in. 

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I just turned the breaker system back on. There’re lights, too.” He emphasized this by flipping a switch on an open wall panel.

Lukas winced as the lights came on, stinging his eyes. But then he saw the mural on the wall in front of him, a duffel bag full of spray paint cans and a stepladder sitting underneath it. 

The mural itself covered almost the entire wall. It seemed to be a painting of the full moon in a star-filled sky, except there was a large crack down the center, blue liquid dripping out. The words  _ we can’t shoot for the moon no more  _ glinted in silver stenciled lettering below it. 

“Whoah, that’s good,” Lukas mused, staring at the mural. “Did you do this?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said, sounding a little embarrassed. “I was angry. I always paint when I’m upset. Well, then again, I paint all the time. There’s stuff I painted all over down here, mostly because I don’t have anywhere else to. Acrylics and oil paints, too. Whatever I can get my hands on.”

“That explains why you’ve got paint all over your sweater,” Lukas remarked. “Anyway, how the hell do you get back out of here? You can’t possibly climb that rope back out.”

“Easy,” Jesse said, walking over to his bedding and grabbing a candy bar, opening it and breaking it in half, wolfing it down. “There’s an old exit down near the school. You know, the chained shut one that the freshmen dare each other to go touch because they think it’s haunted?”

Lukas laughed. “Yeah, that one,” he said. “Let me guess. You walk to that exit and go out there because it’s closer to the school, and you didn’t take me to that one because you wanted me to get scared.” 

Jesse nodded, chuckling. “Yeah,” he said. “My foster family doesn’t care where I go, so I just avoid them by staying here as much as I can. I think they like it that way. Also, your terrified face makes me laugh. You don’t have to go that way again if it scares you too much.”

Lukas nodded in thanks, and then glanced at his watch. “Shit,” he muttered. “I’m late. I work a shift at the coffee shop and it started fifteen minutes ago. I’ve gotta get out of here.”

“No problem,” Jesse said, grabbing his duffel bag of paints. “I’ll walk you to the exit.”

They started off down the dimly lit tunnel. 

“Gotta say, Lukas,” Jesse said. “I like having you around. I just get this feeling, ya’know. Like we’re meant to friends or something. I mean, we’re both teenagers who clearly have issues, and we both like art. Well, kinds of art. You’re into writing, from the looks of your notebook.”

“Yeah,” Lukas said. “I’ve been writing in that notebook since last year.”

He omitted the fact that he’d started writing in a journal to cope after his suicide attempt. 

“Anyway, how old are you?” Jesse asked. “Because you act like you’re older than me, although you don’t look like it. What are you, sixteen? Seventeen?”

“I turned eighteen on September 14th.” 

“Neat. Ah, here we are,” Jesse said. “The stairs out. There’s enough room between the side of the gate and the wall to slide through if you suck it in. Just make sure that nobody’s looking. Anyway, see you tomorrow. I’ve got a painting down near Pink Palace to finish. I nickname certain painting places by the color schemes they’re devoted to.”

“Interesting categorization system,” Lukas said, heading up the steps. “See you tomorrow.”


	3. 34 Days Before

A few days later, it snowed again, and Lukas worked up enough courage to skip class for the first time. 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Jesse remarked.

Lukas chuckled, leaning against the brick wall of the school, watching Jesse deftly light another cigarette. He brought it to his lips and took a long drag, blowing out a cloud of smoke into the sky. 

“Yeah,” Lukas murmured. “But it’s cold as all hell. I still don’t get how you’re not freezing your ass off out here.”

He had to admit, though, even with the cold, this was infinitely better than having polynomial curves fry his brain for the better part of an hour. 

“You want one?” Jesse asked, holding up the cigarette package. 

Lukas shook his head. “They taste and smell like shit,” he said. “No thanks.”

“Oh well,” Jesse remarked with a shrug. “Whatever floats your boat,  _ cariño _ .”

Lukas raised his eyebrows. “You speak Spanish.”

Jesse scoffed, peeling a piece of dried paint off his finger. He must’ve been in Purple Boulevard, judging by the color of it. 

“My first language, ya’know,” he said. “I still use it to talk shit about people when I don’t want them to hear. My whole family spoke it. I mean, before my dad died overseas and everybody but me and my twin sister Jolene died in a goddamn house fire. She got adopted right away because she was the sweet and nice and well-behaved kid. I’m ADHD and bipolar. Put two and two together, buddy.”

“Hey, same!” Lukas exclaimed. “Or similar, I guess. My parents died in a car crash when I was little. I’m still in the foster care system, and I age out in officially next year, even though I’ve got a small apartment and a job already. Nobody wanted me when I was younger because I was too quiet and too moody. Little did they know I had, surprise surprise, a severe anxiety disorder.”

“Nobody wants teenagers, either,” Jesse added, chuckling as he tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette. “I like you, Lukas. How about, if neither of us are adopted by… how about February because that’s when I turn nineteen, which is most likely not gonna happen, we scrape together all the money we can and go on a trip somewhere nice. Then… fuck, I dunno. We sneak into a bar, get completely wasted, and then end it all once we‘re sober again. Maybe do it while we’re drunk so we can die happy.”

Lukas laughed. “Good idea,” he said. “I’ve got a car, by the way. I suggest a road trip. Maybe if we drive down to New York, or Florida, maybe? That sound appealing? Too bad we’re on the east coast. If we were in the west we could go to Vegas.”

Jesse chuckled. “We could go to the beach in L. A., too. It’s nice and warm. Not like here.”

Lukas sighed. “One hell of a plan we’re making,” he said. “Sounds like a shitload of fun. Would you be okay on your own in the rare possibility we come back?”

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “I sleep in my hideout most of the time anyway. I’ve got a heater and a sleeping bag in there.”

“It’s still pretty cold in the winter,” Lukas said. “Don’t be afraid to come crash at my place if you need to. I’ve enough money to feed us both. It’s small, but it’s fine.”

Jesse just laughed, casually wrapping an arm around his waist. 

Lukas suddenly felt his heart thudding as Jesse leaned on his shoulder, taking a drag on his cigarette. 

He could feel Jesse’s hair brushing his cheek. His warm body. 

It felt electric. 

“I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine,” Jesse continued, seemingly fighting back laughter. “ _ Tal vez vendré si quieres tener sexo,  _ no?”

“You know I don’t know what that means, right?” Lukas grumbled. 

“Yeah,” Jesse said cheerfully. “I think, at least for now, ignorance is bliss in your case.”

“Whatever,” Lukas retorted, smiling. 


	4. 25 Days Before

He proceeded to skip almost every calculus class after that.

Almost every day, he’d wait by the doors until the bell rang, and then slip out before anybody noticed. He would then run around the back of the building where he would meet Jesse, and they’d hang out and talk, or sometimes play cards, and usually Lukas would play a little music on his phone. 

Jesse, however, didn’t have a phone, so scheduling meet-ups outside of school was difficult. Luckily, Jesse seemed to have an almost magical sense of where to find him.

“Hey, Blondie,” he said, elbowing him in the ribs as Lukas walked to the bus stop after school. 

Lukas jumped. “Where the hell did you come from?” 

Jesse was wearing a big blue hoodie today, over a pair of jeans. Much like almost every other item in his wardrobe, it was speckled with paint stains. But for Jesse, the hoodie was new. Normally, he wore turtlenecks or regular sweaters. And so far, Lukas had noticed blue was his “sad” color. 

“You doing good?” Lukas asked. “I’m judging from the outfit that you haven’t been in a great mood today.”

Jesse pursed his lips. “You’re good,” he said. “I am feeling shittier than usual.”

Lukas glanced at him, wincing at the dark circles under his eyes. “You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping great either. Do you wanna talk? We can go to my place. Don’t worry about the bus fare; I’ll pay for you.”

Jesse sighed, looking away as he pulled a cigarette, lighting it. “Nobody’s ever asked me that question before. But yeah, I think I do wanna talk. I feel like I can trust you.” 

<~>

Half an hour later, they were sitting on Lukas’s couch. 

Sure, the apartment was small (meaning a kitchen attached to a living room and a bathroom) and the only furniture Lukas had were a beanbag chair, a coffee table, and a couch (the last of which doubled as his bed), but he got by. The rent, thankfully, wasn’t too pricey, and he’d been able to live here for six months already, paying for rent with his earnings from working the night shift at the coffee shop a few blocks away. He had to use the money from child services to pay for food and other stuff, but he had already planned to get another job and work full time as soon as he graduated. 

Thankfully, that wouldn’t be too long. 

Unless their February agreement still stood. 

“Blue Sanctum again?” Lukas asked, studying Jesse’s hands. 

“Yes, Blue Sanctum again,” Jesse sighed, rubbing his face. “I always paint in Blue Sanctum when I’m upset; I know.”

“Hey, you can tell me what’s going on if you want,” Lukas said. “I mean, that’s why we came here. Anything you tell me here will stay here.”

Jesse heaved a sigh. “Okay,” he said, biting his lip. “I… I burn myself.”

“Come again?”

“I burn myself,” Jesse said, rolling up his right sleeve to his elbow. Lukas winced, spotting the bandages, the angry red skin and scars. 

“Yeah, it looks like this all the time,” Jesse mumbled. “Sometimes worse when I’m having a bad week. I’ll end up smoking more than usual and burning myself with the cigarette butts. It helps me focus, I guess. I mean, I’m bipolar, so I turn back and forth between being in a really good mood and just crippling sadness. I keep telling myself not to do it next time I go through a blue period or feel like shit, but it never fucking works. Never.”

Lukas flinched, watching the tears welling up in Jesse’s eyes. “I’m like you,” he said softly. 

Jesse blinked. 

“I’ve been cutting since I was fourteen,” Lukas said, rolling up his left sleeve. He saw Jesse’s eyes dart over his forearm, over all the scars, over the slowly healing cuts from last week. Lukas saw him flinch when he spotted the scabs on the biggest one, where he’d been picking at it.

“I was just so stressed and afraid all the time,” Lukas said. “I was lonely and closed myself off all the time. I couldn’t make friends and I was having breakdowns. Clinical anxiety does stuff to you that all those edgy fake depression kids you see on the internet could never imagine.” 

Jesse chuckled bitterly. “Those people annoy the fuck out of me.”

“Same,” Lukas said. “I know a person like you. Petra’s bipolar too, but for her, it’s anger. She got really pissed for days. I’ve seen her at her worst, back before she finally got prescribed meds when she was trying to quit doing drugs, which was her coping mechanism at the time. It was…”

“Scary?” Jesse sniffled, wiping his nose.

Lukas nodded. 

“I find music helps take my mind off things,” Lukas said, taking his phone and earbuds out of his pocket. “You wanna listen?”

Jesse hesitated, but nodded, rubbing his eyes.

Lukas handed him an earbud, and pulled up his music library as Jesse scooted closer. So close that they were touching, he realized, aware of Jesse’s upper arm pressing against him. 

He finally decided on  _ Sugar, We’re Going Down _ . Fallout Boy had been his sadness music for awhile now. 

Jesse listened thoughtfully. “Fallout Boy, huh?” He said, the bitterness starting to fade from his voice. “I’m more of a Panic at the Disco man myself. I’ve got a speaker and a music player that I upload songs onto at the library so I can have music while I paint. You like Queen?” 

Lukas almost burst out laughing. “Do I like Queen? I know all the words to  _ Don’t Stop Me Now _ , if that answers your question.” 

Jesse was grinning now. “Please tell me you think  _ Roman Holiday  _ by Nicki Minaj sounds like the music in a video game boss fight.”

“ _ Exactly _ !” Lukas exclaimed. “Somebody fucking gets it for once!”

They both ended up cackling. 


	5. 19 Days Before

“Hey, Blondie. I wanna show you something.”

Lukas raised his eyebrows, placing his pencil down and closing his notebook. 

In the days that followed, they’d grown closer, and stopping by each other’s hangouts had become a regular thing. Often, they just listened to music or talked, sometimes watching an episode or two of  _ Steven Universe _ , since Jesse had a soft spot for the show. Right now, however, they were both at the library. Lukas was writing, letting Jesse listen to his music. Christmas break was in only a week, and that meant free time to hang out. 

“What is it?” Lukas asked. 

“I’ll explain when we get there,” Jesse replied cryptically, grinning. “Come on. I really want you to see it.”

He must’ve been in a good mood, because the dog tags that had once belonged to his father were dangling outside his shirt, not under it. 

They left the library, and back to the school, and finally down into the abandoned subway system. 

“Are you finally showing me Brown Bypass?” Lukas asked as Jesse took an unfamiliar turn. “Or Silver Circle? Shit, it’s dark down here.”

“Nope,” Jesse said, flicking on a flashlight. “You wore clothes you can wash, right?” 

“What are we doing?” Lukas asked as they rounded yet another corner. It was almost pitch black down here. If Jesse hadn’t had his flashlight, they probably would’ve gotten lost about two turns ago. 

Finally, Jesse halted, walked over to a wall panel, and flipped a switch. 

Nothing happened. 

Jesse grunted in irritation and gave the console a smack. 

The lights came on. 

Lukas blinked, letting his eyes adjust, and then he gasped. 

“Holy shit.”

“You like it?” Jesse asked.

There was a mural on the wall. 

It was big, mostly just different shades of blue running together in a violent display of color. But from the way Jesse had painted it, it looked more like a background than an actual painting. 

“It’s not finished,” Lukas mused. 

“That’s why you’re here,” Jesse said, cracking his knuckles. “I need you to just sit here and watch.”

“But what am I—“

“You’ll see,  _ cariño _ ,” Jesse said, digging through his spray paints. “You’ll see. Do you mind putting on some music?”

Lukas shrugged, picking up the speaker that Jesse had placed on the ground, and plugged his phone into it. He picked the playlist that they’d made together, and hit shuffle. 

Jesse, meanwhile, had taken off his sweater, leaving him in his paint-stained T-shirt, and had wrapped an ace bandage around his scarred forearm. He pulled the stepladder up, and then went up two rungs, a spray paint can in each hand. He perked up when the opening chords of  _ Out Of My League  _ echoed through the tunnel. 

He tapped his foot, grinning, and started to paint. 

The minutes ticked by. 

Lukas watched as a picture slowly started to take shape; a portrait of some kind. Jesse was climbing up and down his stepladder, grabbing more and more colors, sometimes grabbing brushes and blending them together. 

An hour passed. Then two. 

Finally Jesse hopped down from his stepladder, a huge smile on his face. 

“It’s done!”

Lukas looked up, expecting some beautiful stylized design, which seemed to be Jesse’s specialty. 

Instead, on the beautiful colorful background, his own face stared back at him in soft oranges and yellows, his eyes drawn out in piercing blue. Jesse had used stencils to paint two words in white lettering underneath the portrait.

_ Mi amor.  _

Lukas raised his eyebrows. He assumed it was Spanish, because he had no idea in hell what it meant. 

Jesse seemed proud of himself. He was leaning against his stepladder and smiling, a blotch of orange paint standing out on his cheek, another on his forehead, and a streak of blue and white running across the bridge of his nose, an identical one on his eyebrow. His shirt was covered in streaks of color, and even in the cold air, it clung to his chest with sweat. 

“Do you like it?”

The realization hit Lukas like a ton of bricks. 

He just stared at the painting, and at Jesse, feeling his heart doing loop-de-loops in his chest. He couldn’t recognize this warm, happy feeling at first.

But it felt nice. 

Lukas had known he was gay for a long time. Something about never having crushes on girls and relating to them when they started talking about attractive male celebrities. Or maybe it was his middle-school obsession with  _ Harry Potter _ that hadn’t been entirely about the story. But one thing was for sure, this warm feeling in his chest was unfamiliar, but he suddenly stumbled across the name for it. 

He was in love.

“Y—yeah,” He stammered. “I love it. It’s… wow. And you did this in what, two hours? Holy shit, man, this is fucking incredible.”

“It’s how I pay for food,” Jesse said. “In the summer I set up a station in the tourist areas and sell my art. I end up getting enough money to last ‘till at least March, if I’m frugal. I even take requests during the winter.”

“Do you mind if I take a picture?” Lukas asked. 

“Go ahead,” Jesse said. “I mean, you’re the subject, after all.”

“Thanks,” Lukas said, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks. He held up his phone and snapped a photo. “Hey, can you show me how to get out of here? It’s getting late, and if I don’t clean my kitchen, my landlord is gonna kill me.”

“Sure thing,  _ muchacho _ ,” Jesse said, packing his paints and speaker back into his duffel bag and pulling his sweater back on.

<~>

Lukas sat on his couch, shaking. 

Out of sheer curiosity, he’d made the mistake of putting the writing below the portrait through google translate. 

_ Mi amor _ meant  _ my love _ .

He couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell him he knew what the writing meant. 

Jesse deserved better. 

Not some anxiety-ridden, suicidal mess of a human that he was. 

This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. 

Lukas found himself in the bathroom, two fresh gashes in his arm and a razor blade in his hand, sobbing. 

He had to stay quiet. Jesse couldn’t know what he’d learned. 

If the writing meant what he thought it did, Jesse liked him more than just a friend, and was trying to flirt with him in the only way he knew. 

And he deserved so much better.


	6. 18 Days Before

He didn’t skip calculus that day. 

Lukas spent the hour absent-mindedly staring at the ceiling, running his finger along the groove of a particularly large piece of graffiti on his desk that read  _ Vicky and Rooney 4ever _ . 

Today wasn’t gonna be a good day. 

<~>

“Hey, are you okay? You didn’t skip Calc today. Are you going through another of your… ya’know? Freak-outs?”

Lukas winced, rubbing his forearm. 

“Hey, Jesse,” he murmured, looking away. “I’m fine. It’s okay.”

There was a pause. 

“I think the hell not,” Jesse remarked, grabbing his arm. “We’re gonna get some coffee. That always seems to lighten you up.”

Fifteen minutes later, they were sitting in a café, drinking coffee. 

Of course, even with snow on the ground, Jesse was perched elegantly in his seat, wearing a blue and white sweater, sipping an iced mocha and regarding him quizzically.

Lukas just stared at his drink. Jesse had teased him before for putting enough sugar in his coffee to give a water buffalo a heart attack, but today seemed remarkably teasing free. Lukas didn’t know why. 

“So… what’s going on?” Jesse asked. 

Lukas sighed. “Have… have you ever been in love before?”

Jesse hesitated, glancing over at a crow that was pecking at a slice of bread on the sidewalk. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. 

“Who was it?”

“I met this one guy back in sophomore year,” Jesse said. “We ended up dating for like, two months after I turned sixteen, which is actually when we met. I was head over heels for him, but as it turned out, he didn’t actually like me. He just kinda used me for money, I guess. I caught him stealing my art and selling it without telling me or giving me credit. That asshole just kept the money and ran. God, I was… I was pissed. It was not a good week for me.”

Lukas almost gasped out loud.  _ Guy? Did I hear you right? _

“Oh, right,” Jesse said flatly, registering his stunned expression. “I forgot to mention that I’m pansexual. Fuck, this is awkward. If you’re not okay with it you can leave.”

“N—no, it’s just that I’m a little surprised,” Lukas blurted. “I’m gay. I mean, I—I’ve never actually dated anyone before, but I’ve known that—that I am for awhile, but I get nervous because I’m really shitty with feelings and—”

“Dude,” Jesse said, holding up a hand and cutting him off. “You’re doing the chipmunk thing again. Where you start talking so fast I can’t understand. Slow down,  _ cariño _ .”

Lukas groaned in dismay, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry,” he sighed. “Well, I wanted to ask you something. What would I do if I was in love with a guy, and I’m getting signals that he might love me back, but I don’t know how to ask him how he feels. I’m kinda going through a bit of a crisis, sorry.”

“Apologizing isn’t necessary,” Jesse said, waving his hand nonchalantly. “Look, if there’s somebody you like, I’d say with your abilities, you should write down what you’re feeling. Write a letter and give it to whoever it is. Chances are, if you’re getting maybe signals, it’s probably gonna be a yes.”

Lukas paused, thinking it over. “That’s actually a really good idea,” he said, trying to calm his excitement. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Anything for  _ mi amor _ .”

Lukas froze, fighting to keep his expression neutral. 

_ Anything for my love _ .

“I’m pretty sure you’re insulting me,” Lukas said, filling the awkward silence. 

“What, you think it’s funny?” Jesse joked. “ _ Puedo si quieres, follador _ .”

“I don’t know what you’re saying, but from your tone, that was _definitely_ an insult.”

Lukas laughed. “I like hanging out with you,” he said, sipping his coffee. “You get me. And you’re better at feelings than I am. February is gonna rock.”

“Hell yeah,” Jesse said. “I’ll bring my paints so we can graffiti the shit out of places.”

They both laughed. 

Lukas gazed happily at Jesse. 

Damn, he was in love with this boy.


	7. 16 Days Before

_ Jesse J added Lukas to Disaster Humans _

_ Jesse J added Petra to Disaster Humans _

Lukas: Oh, is this the famous disaster chat?

Olive: Ye bich 

Jesse J: yeah these are my friends axel and olivia 

Jesse J: I sent u their numbers right

Axel: ooh new guys are these the two you told us about??

Jesse J: Yes

Petra: Who the hell are you guys

Lukas: It’s the group chat Jesse has with two of his friends. Him and I have been hanging out so he added us. Speaking of which, I didn’t know you had a phone, Jesse. 

Jesse J: old phone

Jesse J: the kind with the keyboard that slides out

Olive: I would make fun of you but then you’d probably take the painting you did of my dog

Petra: haha

Jesse J: try me puta

Lukas: Hey I just googled that and apparently it means bitch????

Petra: Haha small fucker

Axel: Yeah Jesse can speak Spanish so he insults us a lot

Axel: don’t worry it’s always meant as a joke 

Jesse J: Yeah I love how it takes you a second to figure it out

Olive: fuck you

Petra: Вы хотите купить несколько нелегальных мемов

Petra: figure that one out sluts 

Petra: And yes I speak fluent Russian 

Lukas: Guys don’t fall for it.

Lukas: She pulled this one on me; don’t do it. 

Axel: Aw fuck you

Lukas: Aaaaaaand you did it.

Jesse J: what does it mean I don’t have internet 

Olive: dammit

Olive: no i don’t want to buy some illegal memes Petra 

Petra: haha bitches

Jesse J: Hey btw do you guys want to hang out some time like go eat out or some shit

Lukas: Well, I’m free tomorrow. 

Petra: lit same

Olive: ooh score Axel and I were gonna go out anyway so you can meet us

Axel: I can pick y’all up if you give me address 

Axel: I’ve got a van

Lukas: Sweet. Do you want gas money?

Axel: Nah it’s cool

Petra: you’ll have to pick me up after 5 because I’ve got an appointment with my therapist at 4

Axel: ok 

Axel: Yeah olivia wants to know if you like Pepsi or coke if you know what I mean but she won’t ask you herself 

Lukas: hahaha

Jesse J: owo is that what I think that means

Lukas: Jesus christ jesse

Petra: both ;)

Axel: OOOOOOOOO

Jesse J: ÒwÓ i was right putas

Olive: dammit axel

Lukas: oop sorry I gotta go guys. My break is almost over.

Jesse J: ok adios

Petra: прощай, маленький придурок

Lukas: fuck you

Petra: haha

Axel: byee 

Olive: bye bitches


	8. 15 Days Before

“So are you… the guys?” Lukas asked, sliding into the back of the van. 

The driver, a tall, chubby guy with black hair and thick eyebrows, grinned. 

“I’m Axel,” he said. “This is Olivia. We both live upstate.”

The dark-skinned woman in the passenger seat, her hair done in intricate cornrows, grinned and nodded. 

“Alright, now where did you say Petra’s place is?” Axel asked, turning on the windshield wipers. “Shit, it’s snowing again. I hope the wait isn’t too long.”

“Just a few blocks away,” Lukas answered. “Drive straight and I’ll tell you when to turn left and which house. Let me go get her because her grandparents are probably the most paranoid and suspicious people alive.”

Axel and Olivia both laughed. 

“You should meet my old man,” Axel said. “Let’s just say being a hotshot lawyer means he’s both real rich and never home, so besides the maid, who’s super nice, by the way, the house is usually empty. He’s grumpy all the time. Isn’t exactly… attentive.”

Lukas chuckled. “Sounds like Thanksgivings are fun at your place.”

Olivia shrugged, pulling out a tube of lipstick. “My parents threw me out as soon as I told them I was a lesbian,” she said. “I got adopted by a real rich couple upstate. I mean sure, they’re really nice and accepting, but they sometimes drive me nuts.”

“Cool,” Lukas said. “What’s the whole dog painting thing you mentioned? That one seemed to get Jesse excited.”

Olivia grinned. “He tried to paint a picture of my dog but Shakespeare attacked it when he set it out to dry. The painting turned out as basically just a brown blob with really nice and realistic legs. Jesse offered to redo it, but I love it so much that I declined, mostly because it sums up Shakespeare’s personality real well.”

They all laughed. 

“You named your dog Shakespeare?” Lukas asked. “A foster family I stayed with had a cat named Macbeth. He was fat as hell and used to sit on my face. I think he was trying to kill me in my sleep.”

“Sounds about right.” 

“Turn here,” Lukas said. “Stop at number 4389.” 

Axel nodded. 

As soon as the van stopped, Lukas jumped out and jogged up the porch steps. He was looking forward to seeing Petra today. Out of everybody, she was probably one of his favorite people. 

And the reason he’d kept himself alive this long. 

He knocked on the door, grinning. 

It opened, revealing Petra, who had that familiar smirk on her face. Of course, she was wearing her motorcycle jacket over her favorite blue sweatshirt, and a pair of beat-up jeans. As usual, her fiery red hair was tied back under a blue striped bandanna. 

“Combat boots?” Lukas said, glancing at her feet. “Dude, we’re going out to eat. Not on a hike.”

“Well, if I have to kick the shit out of somebody, at least I’ll be prepared,” she remarked, locking the door behind her.

Lukas chuckled, yanking the door to Axel’s van open. “Let’s boogie,” Axel said. “So, evil grandparents, I heard?”

Petra laughed. “The grandparents are out on some tropical cruise for Christmas, so I’ve got the house to myself,” she said. “Lucky, too. Olivia and I started our own private chat and I don’t think they, being the über-religious old people they are, would appreciate how well we hit it off.” 

With that, Petra shot Olivia a flirtatious wink. Olivia blushed and rolled her eyes. Lukas and Axel laughed.

“‘Aight, one more stop,” Axel remarked, turning back onto the main road. “We still have to pick up Jesse.”

They drove for a while, talking casually, until they finally stopped in front of an art supply store. Jesse was standing near the curb, holding his duffel bag. When he saw them drive up, he waved wildly. 

When he climbed in, Lukas felt like he’d been punched in the gut. 

He wore a pink sweater and jeans, a white scarf tied neatly around his neck, and his hi-tops looked as if he’d wiped some of the dirt off them. Snowflakes clung to his hair, which was combed so that it swooped in waves across his forehead. And there were still snowflakes clinging to his eyelashes as he settled down into his seat, setting his duffel bag in the back of the van. 

He looked  _ stunning _ .

“You feeling okay,  _ cariño _ ?” Jesse asked, brushing a snowflake off his face. “Your face is all red. Olivia, shut up.”

“ _ Te gusta el _ ?” She giggled, and Jesse rolled his eyes. 

“ _ Qué?”  _ She laughed. “ _ Cuando llamas a alguien cariño, eso generalmente significa que tienes algo por ellos, Jesse. Creo que te gusta el. _ ” 

“ _ Vete a la mierda _ ,” Jesse grumbled, and Olivia let out a cackle. 

Lukas glanced over at Petra, who just shrugged. “Don’t look at me,” she said, picking a her zipper. “I don’t know what the fuck they said.”

Axel laughed. “Trust me, you get used to it. They gossip back and forth so fast they sound like chipmunks. Oh, we’re here. Olive Garden. Who’s ready for unlimited breadsticks, guys?”


	9. 11 Days Before

Christmas break finally rolled around. 

“Yo!” Petra shouted across the crowded hallway, over the noise of students rushing home for winter vacation. Lukas smirked. He didn’t respond, though. 

“Lukas!” she shouted. “Lukas, you idiot!”

Lukas grinned, still feigning ignorance. 

Finally, she slapped him playfully on the back of the head. “Lukas, I know you can hear me, dumbass,” Petra said, standing behind him. She was wearing her leather motorcycle jacket and trademark blue bandanna, of course, even when it was cold as shit outside. 

Lukas turned. “I know,” he said. “It’s just that you’re funny when you’re pissed off. Whaddya want, Ginger?”

Petra scowled. Lukas had to admit, her being six foot two and rather muscular was kind of terrifying, especially when she was genuinely angry. 

“Don’t call me that,” she grumbled, tucking a flyaway strand of bright orange hair behind her ear. “Anyway, I was chatting with the guys, and apparently they’re holding a party on New Year’s Eve down at Axel’s house. Everybody Juniors and up can come to this thing. Thought I’d drag you along.”

Lukas laughed. “Woo, party,” he said, waving his hands meekly. “You’ll stay away from the bad stuff, right?”

Petra nodded, a grin crossing her narrow face. “Trust me, I ain’t breaking my streak, buddy,” she said, patting him on the shoulder. “It’s been too long to afford that now. I’m five months clean, and I’m going on six. And I’m holding up great, dude! See you at the party!”

Lukas smiled as he watched her go. 

After her parents had died and she’d been forced to live with her very religious and conservative grandparents (who didn’t accept her bisexuality at all), she’d spent almost half her life high, trying to escape her own untreated mood swings and violent bouts of anger using drugs. She’d been trying to quit for two years now, but hadn’t been working. Finally, when she’d almost OD’d about six months ago, she’d gone completely cold turkey. It hadn’t been pretty, but she’d started going to therapy, and was pulling through. 

Lukas had to admit, he was proud. 

He had to stick around, at least until February. He was afraid that if he did what he’d been wanting oh-so-badly to do, she’d fall back on her old habits and start doing drugs again after working so hard to stop. 

Somebody tapped him on the shoulder, jarring him out of his thoughts. 

“Hey, you didn’t skip Calc with me today,” Jesse said, sounding slightly worried. “So far you’ve only done that when you’re anxious or upset. Did I do something?”

“Nah,” Lukas said. “I just wanted to see if we’ve got shit assigned for the break, ‘cause I don’t wanna slack off entirely. Sorry about that. Did you hear about the party?”

Jesse’s face broke into a grin. “Hell yeah!” He exclaimed. “Parties at Axel’s house are always hella fun. I mean, since his dad is hardly ever home, there’s almost no risk of him getting in trouble. And his dad is super rich, so they’ve got a huge-ass house. I mean, they have a fuckin’ _indoor_ _pool_!”

“Sounds awesome,” Lukas said. 

“Yeah,” Jesse laughed. “I asked him if there was gonna be booze. He said yes, by the way. You excited?”

Lukas shrugged. “I don’t usually go to these things,” he said quietly. “But Petra’s making me go, so I’ll be there.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Jesse said. “Speaking of her, I heard that she and Olivia have been hanging out lately. I think there’s more happening than they’re letting on, if you know what I mean.”

Lukas laughed. He felt that warm feeling in his chest again, gazing at Jesse’s tired yet smiling face. “I guess I’ll see you there, then.”

“Nah, I wanna take you back to my hideout,” he said. “I’ve been saving a spot in Red Avenue and I want to test out some new paints. I kinda want your opinion on them.”

Lukas shrugged. “I mean, we’ve got nothing better to do.”

<~>

“Whaddya think?”

Lukas frowned, squinting at the paint can. “I’m pretty sure that’s a different shade of red,” he said, comparing them mentally. 

“Well, I guess there’s one way to find out,” Jesse said, and sprayed them both at the base of the wall. 

“Huh,” Lukas said. “I think it’s orange.”

Jesse groaned, plopping down onto the floor, rubbing his temples. “I can’t think of something to paint here, damnit!”

Lukas pursed his lips as an idea slowly began to form in his mind. “Hey, y’know how you did that portrait of me?” 

Jesse sat up, frowning. “Yeah?”

“What if you did that with everyone? In the Disaster Humans group, I mean. Like, I remember you saying you got a blue vibe from me, and we were on the edge of Blue Sanctum. But do you get color vibes from them?”

Jesse paused, cocking his head to one side as he thought. 

Lukas could practically see the gears turning in his head. 

Suddenly he brightened, a grin spreading across his face. “Lukas, you literal fucking genius!” He shouted, his voice bouncing off the tunnel walls. “Put on  _ Upside Down & Inside Out _ by Ok Go and pull up a picture of Olivia. I’ve got a  _ groove _ .”

<~>

For the next half hour, Jesse sprayed the backgrounds.

Bright red swirls here for Olivia. 

Curled wave shapes in Green Garden for Axel. 

Huge sunbursts in Orange Alley for Petra.

Then they went all the way back to Red Avenue, and the portraits started to take shape as the hours passed. 

Jesse hummed along to the music as he worked, putting the final touches on Axel’s portrait. “You need to always make the subject contrast with the background,” he said, balanced on his stepladder. “Use complementary colors, and try to make the subject darker than the background. Stands out well and is easy on the eyes that way.”

Lukas nodded, checking his watch. Damn, it was already eleven, but he wasn’t going to throw off Jesse’s _groove_, as he called it. 

“Well, that’s two down,” Jesse said cheerfully. “Back to Orange Alley for Petra. Grab the duffel, will you?”

Lukas grinned, picking it up and slinging the strap over his shoulder, hoisting up his backpack and picking up the speaker. He had to admit, this was the happiest Jesse had been in a while. And he liked it when Jesse was happy, especially when—fuck, it felt so cliché to say—when he smiled like that. 

He spent the next two hours watching Jesse paint for real this time. 

All the other times he’d zoned out and picked up a book, but now, he forced himself to watch the process. 

Jesse was using shades of dark blue for Petra’s portrait, humming along to the music; _King of the Cloud_ _ s  _ by the one and only Panic! At The Disco _ .  _ And as Jesse climbed up his stepladder to sketch out the outline of the portrait in navy spray paint, clad in his paint-stained jeans and a black undershirt, an ace bandage wrapped around his forearm to protect his burns from the paint, Lukas couldn’t help but appreciate the view. Jesse had a nice ass.

Lukas resisted the urge to smack himself for thinking that. 

The song ended, and—oh god, it was  _ for him _ . Troye Sivan. Possibly one of the gayest songs out there. 

He decided to distract himself. 

“Hey, uh, is there anything you need help with?” He blurted, before he could lose his nerve. 

“Not really,” Jesse said, climbing down his stepladder and picking out a few brushes. 

Lukas bit his lip. 

He was about to pull out his book when Jesse spoke, making him jump.

“Actually there is something. Could you pass me the light blue? The one that says neon blast on the label?”

“Sure,” Lukas answered, jumping up and finding the correct can, handing it up to him. Jesse nodded in thanks, painting long streaks that looked like the beginnings of hair. 

It went on for a while, Jesse asking for a specific color or brush and Lukas handing it up to him, until Jesse finally stepped back, wiping his brow and smearing a stripe of blue paint across his forehead, mixing with a blob of red that was already there. 

“Done,” he said. 

Lukas gazed up at the portrait. “Looks exactly like her,” he said. “Great job.”

Jesse yawned. “Shit,” he mumbled. “What time is it?” 

Lukas glanced at his watch. “It’s about 1:45. I’m gonna go home.”

“Nah, you don’t have to,” Jesse said, massaging his temples. “Just stay here. It’s a weekend, and it’s Christmas break.”

Lukas heaved a sigh. Jesse did make a solid point. 


	10. 10 Days Before

Lukas yawned. 

He didn’t remember it ever getting this cold in his apartment before. 

Then he realized that it wasn’t his apartment, and it wasn’t a couch but an air mattress with a sheet of foam that he was sleeping on, tangled in a massive pile of blankets and pillows. 

And he could feel someone’s breathing on the side of his neck. 

He froze, managing to stifle a yelp. 

Then he remembered. He’d been hanging out at Jesse’s when the guy had been hit by a stroke of artistic inspiration and they’d stayed up past midnight working on something. Too tired to go home, he’d decided to stay the night, and here they were. 

At least Jesse seemed to have changed, Lukas thought, relieved, although there was still a sizable green paint stain on Jesse’s arm. At least, from what he could see, because Jesse had curled up to him like he was a human body pillow. 

Lukas grimaced, working his arm free and checking his watch. 

9:07.

He sighed in relief. At least they hadn’t slept past noon. 

But then there was the supreme awkwardness of Jesse snuggled up to him under the blankets like this. He seemed very comfortable and still fast asleep. 

Frankly, Lukas didn’t want to wake him.

At least Jesse was heavy sleeper, it seemed, as Lukas slowly eased away from him, sliding out from under the blankets and tucking them back around him, and then cursing under his breath as he was hit by a blast of cold air and his bare feet met the freezing floor. 

Lukas quickly pulled on his socks, shoes and jacket, straightened his clothes, grabbed his backpack, and headed out.

<~>

He spent the rest of the day moping around his apartment. 

In an attempt to distract himself, he ended up deep cleaning. First, the dishes from the sink. Then he wiped off all the counter space, and then washed the windows and swept and mopped, followed by reorganizing his pillows on the couch and then lying there for another fifteen minutes. 

He wasn’t feeling great. 

He’d just hung out at Jesse’s place, stared at his ass, and slept in the same bed as him. 

As Petra would’ve put it, it seemed like they were playing a game of “How close can I get to my best friend without us turning into a gay couple?”

Lukas sighed, opening the contacts list on his phone. It was pitifully small. His landlord, the child services, then Petra, Olivia, Axel, and Jesse. 

With a heavy sigh, he tapped on Petra’s.

He sat there as the phone rang, and it rang five times before Petra finally picked up. 

“Huh? Whazzuh? Whaddya need?”

“Hey, Petra, I’m kinda not feeling great right now,” he said. “I’d like to talk. Are you free?”

Petra grunted. “Look, buddy, I’d love to chat,” she mumbled, her voice laden with exhaustion. “But I went over to Olivia’s house and we stayed up ‘till like, four watching  _ Sailor Moon,  _ so I am really tired, sorry. Maybe you can call me back later? Not trying to be an asshole, it’s just…” 

She yawned tremendously. 

Lukas winced. “Sorry.”

“Nah, don’t be,” Petra mumbled blearily. “Anyway, ‘night.”

Lukas sighed and hung up.

He knew Axel was busy (given that he was doing an internship for medical school), so that was also a dead end. 

Lukas found himself rubbing his arm again, picking at the scabs. 

He didn’t know what to do about all these conflicting thoughts. Jesse was a nice guy, really. They were similar people, too. Both of them had no family and had to scrape by on their own. Both of them had self-destructive habits that could kill them. Both of them had given up hope that there was good left fighting for. 

And the fact that Jesse happened to be very attractive didn’t help either. 

Lukas sighed, remembering the warmth of his body, his slender yet strong arms wrapped around him. His dark skin, the color of coffee, felt soft and smooth under his touch. Dark and wavy hair that fell down into his eyes, dotted with snowflakes. His deep, dark green eyes, filled with turbulent emotion, gazing at him as he smiled, and god… that damn smile. 

Something about Jesse, especially when he smiled like that, was just magnetizing. 

And his lips….

Lukas had dreamed of kissing those lips.

Even though he’d never actually dated anybody before. 

Much less kissed someone. 

He could picture it in his head. Jesse’s arms around him, holding him close, so gentle yet passionate. 

Lukas groaned in dismay, massaging his forehead. 

Why was he doing this to himself?

He went back to pacing. 

Then the idea struck him, as he remembered Jesse’s words from the coffee shop. 

_ “Look, if there’s somebody you like, I’d say with your abilities, you should write down what you’re feeling. Write a letter and give it to whoever it is. Chances are, if you’re getting maybe signals, it’s probably gonna be a yes.” _

Lukas stopped pacing and grabbed his notebook and a pencil. 

<~>

_ Jesse, _

_ We’ve been friends for what, a few weeks, and I just can’t help but feel something. Hanging around you, I’ve realized just how similar we are, and I can relate to you. I feel at home when I’m with you. And I put what you painted underneath my portrait through google translate. Apparently, mi amor is my love in Spanish. So if you do have feelings for me, even though I’m bad with emotions and I’m a huge mess of a person, I love you back.  _

_ Sincerely, your friend, Lukas. _


	11. 8 Days Before

Christmas Eve started off relatively uneventful, except for Petra stopping by, in their yearly tradition to open presents the day before Christmas just to spite everyone. 

It was entertaining, in a way. 

“How do you like it?” She asked, grinning as Lukas unwrapped his gift. 

Lukas stared down at it in dismay. 

“A box of condoms? Seriously?” He groaned, rolling his eyes. “Come on, I got you a goddamn  _ vintage Beastie Boys T-shirt _ .”

Petra let out a cackle. “Dude, you’re skipping Calc, like, every day! And you’ve got a thing for Jesse. Come on, you get this dreamy-ass look in your eyes whenever he looks at or touches you,  _ especially  _ when we went out a few days ago. Are you guys sneaking off to the janitor’s closet to bang during class or something?”

Lukas pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “He’s a friend, Petra,” He grumbled. “A friend whom I bonded with on an emotional level and now refuse to tell about my feelings for him because I’m a paranoid fuck, okay?”

Petra smirked. “Kidding,” She said, tossing him another gift-wrapped box and throwing her feet up on the table. “Here’s your real gift. Although I’d keep the condoms, because the sexual tension between you two could be cut with a muthafuckin’ chainsaw.” 

“Whatever,” Lukas grumbled, tearing off the brightly colored paper. 

“Holy shit,” he gasped. “Is that—“

“A new bomber jacket,” Petra said proudly. “I kept noticing yours had holes in it.”

Lukas grinned, pulling off his old jacket and replacing it with the new one. “Fits perfect,” he said. “Ooh, it’s got inside pockets!”

Petra beamed. “Thanks for the shirt, y’know. I really appreciate you sticking by me while I was at my lowest, and, well, I kinda wanted to pay you back somehow. Even though I’m really bad at emotional shit.”

“Aw, I knew you were a massive, adorable softie somewhere underneath all your bullshit.” 

Petra scoffed, still grinning as she stood, grabbing her keys and helmet as she did so. “Merry Christmas, you small fucker,” she said, heading out the door. 

Lukas smirked. “Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, asshole!”

He heard her laugh as the door shut. 

<~>

Four hours later, there came a knock at the door. 

Lukas grimaced, hauling himself off the couch, ignoring the fact that he was wearing ratty sweatpants and an old hoodie. If whoever was at the door couldn’t deal with him in his breakdown outfit, as he called it, they could go fuck a duck. 

His opinion abruptly changed when he opened the door and saw Jesse standing there in a crisp sweater and jeans, holding what looked like a present in his hands. His dog tags hung on his chest, in clear view, which was a bit surprising. He almost never wore them like that, and especially not out in public. 

“Oh! H—hi,“ Lukas squawked, noticing how Jesse had combed his hair back out of his face. 

“Ah, the breakdown outfit,” Jesse remarked, looking him over. “I recall you mentioning that a few times.”

A few minutes later, they were sprawled on the couch, drinking hot cocoa and eating candy corn left over from Halloween. 

“I fuckin’ love this shit,” Jesse mumbled around a mouthful of candy. “I don’t know why.”

“I don’t either,” Lukas remarked dryly. 

“Oh,  _ cállate carajo, cariño _ ,” Jesse retorted, pinching him. “I don’t know how you can’t love it. It’s shitty, but it’s wonderful.”

Lukas rolled his eyes, pinching him back, and in response, Jesse lightly swatted his arm, laughing. 

Lukas flinched in pain. 

Jesse must’ve seen him grimace, because he was suddenly rolling the sleeves of his hoodie up, revealing the inside of the left one to be crusted with half-dried blood. 

Lukas winced, getting yet another look at the angry, oozing cuts on his arm. Thankfully, the blood hadn’t seeped through his sleeve. At least Petra hadn’t found out, because she probably would’ve panicked. 

Jesse frowned. “You need to at least clean the cuts after you do it,” he said, standing and grabbing the unopened gift off the table. “You said you’ve been doing this for years. Shouldn’t you know?”

“Petra came over,” Lukas explained, pulling his arm away, trying to stifle the guilt welling up. “I didn’t want her to freak, so I just threw on a hoodie so she wouldn’t see them.”

Jesse sighed. 

“Well, I wanted you to open it tomorrow, but I made you something,” he said, fidgeting with his dog tags. “A care package, I guess. So you’ll still be around in February.”

He then handed him the gift. 

Lukas frowned, unwrapping it. 

He gasped. 

It was a whole box of stuff. Band-Aids of varying sizes, hydrogen peroxide, cotton balls, and a bunch of chocolates, as well as a book titled  _ The Silmarillion _ . “I saw you reading Tolkien last week,” Jesse said nervously. “I thought you’d want to read something.” 

Lukas was suddenly very aware of how much he was blushing. 

“Th—thanks.” 

“No problem,” Jesse said. “Just let me clean you up, okay? I can’t go on a road trip to Florida without you.”

The minutes ticked by as Jesse began to clean the cuts on Lukas’s forearm. Lukas just watched, wincing occasionally at the sharp burn of the peroxide, but he was entranced by how Jesse’s calloused, bruised hands were so nimble and delicate, just like when he’d effortlessly snatched up his notebook the day they’d met, or when he’d painted the murals down in his hideout. In no time at all, his cuts were bandaged, and they were eating the chocolate. 

“I never got you a present,” Lukas mumbled guiltily as the realization struck him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think, and I was stupid, and—“

“It’s cool,  _ cariño _ ,” Jesse said with a shrug. “I’m used to it.” 

“No, but that’s why I feel bad!” Lukas yelped. “I mean, for once you’ve got a friend who’s always there for you with a little bit of spare cash who could afford to get you something, and on the day you make me gift so meaningful I don’t bother to get you anything! I feel like shit, Jesse. Actual, genuine, bona-fide shit.”

There was an awkward pause. 

Finally Jesse spoke, his voice hoarse and stressed. 

“I… I need a smoke break.”


	12. 8 Days Before

The silent tension on the tiny balcony was almost palpable. 

Lukas felt awkward standing next to Jesse on the balcony, in his blood-stained hoodie and old sweatpants, whereas Jesse, who never wore anything fancier than a T-shirt or sweater, was dressed up like he was going out on a date at a nice restaurant. 

Hell, Lukas felt stupid as he watched Jesse stare off into space,the street lamp reflecting off his brown skin as he occasionally took a drag on his cigarette. He looked anxious, and it was making Lukas worried, especially since he was shivering, even though Jesse always seemed to be able to withstand much colder temperatures than Lukas could handle. 

He felt like an actual burning pile of garbage standing next to this beautiful, flawless mess of a human being he’d fallen in love with. 

Despite his conflicting desires. 

To help Petra with her recovery, but also to kill himself. 

Oh, he wanted to. He wanted to die. He’d been cutting himself for a while now in multiple spots, the only way he could truly get a handle on his deepening depression. He’d started to neglect treating them as well, leaving them untouched for days until they started to hurt for real. He was fading, and he knew it, and at this point, the will to keep Petra from getting trapped in a painful and destructive pattern was the only thing keeping him from putting himself out of his misery. 

But Jesse. 

Jesse, a young man like him, with a self-destructive habit and a heart of gold, somebody who understood what he was going through and could relate to him. And he was hot, too, with those turbulent green eyes and beautiful smile, soft lips that Lukas had  _ definitely  _ entertained the thought of kissing. 

He’d become a reason. 

A reason to stay alive just a little bit longer, at least until February, like they’d agreed. 

“I’ve been wondering if I really wanted to do it, you know.”

Lukas paused. “Come again?”

Jesse sighed, exhaling a mouthful of smoke. “I met you, and I was feeling like shit,” he sighed. “Like, shittier than usual. When I saw you, when you thought I was gonna kill myself, I was wondering if I should really hold onto the rope, or just let myself fall. But the way you seemed to care, even when you had no idea, it made up my mind. I held onto the goddamn rope, Lukas. For you. And that’s why I didn’t skip Calc, because I recognized you. I wanted to know you. And now that I do, I find myself wondering if I still want to die. If I still wanna end it all. Because I’ll lose you.” 

Another brief pause. 

“I’ve been wondering too,” Lukas murmured. “I tried once, about a year ago. I jumped off a bridge and Petra found me. According to the doctor, she dragged me into the emergency room, high off her ass, yelling hysterically about needing help for her ‘sad little guy.’ I woke up with half my bones broken and tubes up my nose. She was there, too. Sobered up for the first time in weeks; they guessed. And she was shaking and crying and begging me not to go. I don’t that to happen to you. I don’t you to end up like she was. It was really awful to watch, even if she was still a little high from the drugs and shit.”

Jesse let out a grim chuckle and another puff of smoke. “I can’t imagine someone like her crying for real like that,” he pondered. “I guess we’ll see how we feel in February. If we still wanna blow our money and go down in style like the emotionally damaged pair of  _ gilipollas  _ we are.”

Lukas smiled. “‘Till February,” he said. “Then we can choose.” 

Then he glanced up, spotting the mistletoe dangling from its pot on the balcony where the family above always strung up a shit ton of decorations. It always dangled down like that, and Lukas had hated it before, because it had felt like the stupid plants were mocking him. 

But now… 

“Hey,” Lukas said, pointing above their heads. “I think I remembered your present after all.” 

Jesse’s eyes flitted up, and he was suddenly smiling. “Ooh, you sly little  _ bastardo _ ,” he laughed, extinguishing his cigarette in a patch of snow on the railing, fiddling with his dog tags. 

“I’m not a little… whatever the hell that means,” Lukas joked. “I’m more than six inches taller than you. If anything,  _ you’re  _ the little guy.”

“That’s what she said,” Jesse taunted. “I thought you said you got me a Christmas present. Let’s see it, buddy.”

Lukas rolled his eyes, gently laying a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. 

“You drive me crazy, you know,” he murmured, leaning in. 


	13. 8 Days Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick warning, this chapter gets sort of smutty so if you don’t like it just skip

He was completely unprepared for how fucking amazing it felt. 

How Jesse’s hands gently slid up the sides of his neck and into his hair. How soft and pleasantly warm his lips felt in comparison to the biting chill in the winter air, the taste of chocolate and cigarette smoke lingering on them. 

How the whole world seemed to stop.

Jesse’s hand gently wound up around the back of his head, pulling him downwards, pulling him closer. 

Lukas sighed into the kiss, the lyrics to Halsey’s _Roman Holiday _(not to be confused with that one by Nicki Minaj) bouncing around in his head. 

Jesse pulled away for a breath, a stunned look on his face. “Holy shit,” he murmured breathlessly. 

Lukas just stared at him in shock. 

“Can… can I do that again?” Jesse asked.

Lukas nodded. 

This time, Jesse leaned in, kissing him hard. Lukas gasped, remembering that he wasn’t wearing a shirt under his hoodie as Jesse gently wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and dragged him in, his other hand sliding along his waist. 

He shivered as Jesse growled softly, pulling Lukas’s bandaged arm safely out of the way, then tightened his grip, pushing his tongue against his lips. 

Lukas let out a low moan. 

Apparently, Jesse had heard it, because he pulled back. 

“Open,” he murmured huskily, pressing and finger lightly against Lukas’s mouth. “I can tell that you like that. You want more, don’t you?”

Lukas shuddered, but not from the cold. 

Jesse was good at this. 

He nodded slowly, doing as he was told, and Jesse chuckled, leaning up and kissing him yet again, rougher and more desperately. He didn’t resist as Jesse began lightly kissing his neck, but Lukas finally pushed him away a few moments later. 

“We are  _ not _ doing this out here,” he grumbled, pulling Jesse back into the apartment. “Couch. Where it’s warm.”

Jesse snorted. “I saw Petra’s little present on the table,” he teased. 

Lukas growled in irritation, stopping to lock the apartment door. “Sure, I’ll bet she’s laughing now,” he grumbled, dragging Jesse down onto the couch and kissed him again. 

Lukas wasn’t exactly sure how long it went on, but it felt incredible. One kiss turned into two, then ten, then twenty, and Jesse was suddenly leaving trails of kisses down his neck, which quickly turned into rough sucking and biting. 

Lukas didn’t bother to stifle his moans. He couldn’t remember ever feeling like this before. He hadn’t felt this good since… damn, he couldn’t remember that, either.

He decided to ignore the fact that Petra would tease him mercilessly if she found out about this.

He gasped, feeling warm, bare skin and cool metal pressing against his chest as Jesse pushed his hoodie off, mumbling something in Spanish. “What?” He mumbled, looking up at Jesse, who was leaning over him, eyes glazed with arousal, panting slightly. 

“You fucked up my hair,” Jesse said, grinning. “I was trying to look nice today, you ass.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Lukas grumbled, trying not to smile, hooking his fingers through Jesse’s belt loops and pulling him back down. 

That made Jesse laugh. 

“Whatever you say,” he murmured, placing a light, teasing kiss on the tip of his nose, reaching down and tugging at his waistband. “You wanna keep going?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” Lukas remarked, sliding a hand down around Jesse’s hips. 

Damn, Jesse really did have a nice ass.

“Thank god,” Jesse murmured, leaning down and kissing him deeply. “ _ Me muero por hacerte esto, cariño. No pude dejar de pensar en ti. Dejame besarte. _ ” 

Lukas hummed pleasantly to himself. Even he had no idea what Jesse was saying, he’d gotten better with reading the context and mood of it, and he could usually get a general understanding of whatever Jesse was talking about. 

And he was pretty sure Jesse was dirty-talking him in Spanish. 

And it was definitely working, because he was on a whole new level of horny. 

Jesse slid lower, placing hot kisses along his neck and chest, mumbling softly. “ _ Hay tantas cosas que quiero hacerte _ ,  _ cariño _ ,” he growled, sliding his hand down his thigh. 

Lukas shuddered in anticipation as he began to pull his sweatpants off. “You’re  _ really  _ taking your time,” He muttered, kicking them the rest of the way off, watching as Jesse pulled off his jeans and tossed them on the floor. 

“I like watching you fall apart,” Jesse replied, spreading his legs and sliding between them. 

Lukas scowled in annoyance. He should’ve known this bastard was going to be a tease. They were so close now,  _ so close _ . 

Lukas could feel his heart pounding in his chest, everything felt hot despite it being the middle of winter, and his underwear felt uncomfortably tight. He couldn’t recall ever feeling this amount of desire and desperation before. 

Jesse must’ve sense his change in mood, because he smirked and started to slowly roll his hips, pushing against him and sending spikes of pleasure through both of them. 

Lukas gripped the couch cushions in his fists as he moaned. 

He liked this more than the kissing. 

“ _ Te gusta, no _ ?” Jesse purred, slipping his hand down to the waistband of his undershorts. “You want these off?”

“Please,” Lukas gasped. “Take ‘em off, Jesse. I want… I want you to…”

“Say it,” Jesse said softly, his lips brushing his ear. 

“Fuck me,” Lukas breathed. 

“Hmm?” Jesse murmured. “Can’t hear you,  _ cariño _ .”

“Goddamnit, Jesse!” Lukas hissed. “Can you quit with all the teasing and just fuck me already?”

Jesse let out a laugh. “You are  _ hella _ impatient. Gimme a sec.” He reached over to the coffee table, grabbing the box and tearing it open. “Seems like Petra was a bit prophetic when it came to joke gifts, huh?”

Lukas rolled his eyes. “If she finds out about this I’m never gonna hear the end of it.”

“I sorta gathered that,” Jesse said, standing up, rolling his shoulders and stretching. “Do you have—”

“Bathroom cabinet,” Lukas replied, cutting him off. “Top shelf.”

Jesse nodded, heading over to the bathroom. Lukas just laid there on the couch. They’d gone from kissing to… well, this, in maybe ten minutes? Five? And there was the fact that he’d never done anything like this before. 

That made him a little nervous. 

There was the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing, and then Jesse was back, placing kisses on his bare chest, gently running his fingers along his jaw. 

“Come on,” Lukas grumbled. “I thought we were in the middle of something.”

“Just s _ e paciente _ ,” Jesse murmured. “ _ Estaba llegando a eso, mi amor _ .  _ Te amo. _ ”


	14. 7 Days Before

Lukas yawned, waking to the smell of something cooking. 

He was lying on the couch, sunlight streaming through the window. In the kitchen, someone was singing softly, accompanied by the sound of sizzling. 

Lukas smiled, listening silently for a few moments, until he finally sat up and began searching for his clothes. He finally settled on a T-shirt and sweats, rubbing the remains of sleep from his eyes. 

Then he remembered that it was Christmas. 

He headed into the kitchen, where Jesse was cooking what looked like pancakes, only they were much thinner and looked almost like tortillas. He hadn’t heard him come in, Lukas realized, noticing that Jesse was also wearing his earbuds, humming along to the music under his breath. 

And Jesse himself… 

He was wearing his undershirt, the morning sunrise glinting off his arms and turning them from brown to gold. His hair, frizzy and tangled, was standing on end, and every so often he’d reach up and brush it out of his eyes. 

He looked breathtaking. 

Lukas walked over, standing on tiptoe and resting his chin on top of Jesse’s head. “Good morning,” he said. “Food?”

“I’m making it,” Jesse said, pulling out an earbud. “I’m making crepes, because I found pancake mix in your cabinet. I made them all the time when I was younger. You put a little Nutella and peanut butter on them and they taste  _ sublime _ .”

“It’s Christmas,” Lukas said. “Do you wanna go do something after we eat? I mean, I don’t have any Christmas shit here, so like, do you wanna call the guys and go out?”

Jesse chuckled. “I guess,” he said. “I mean, Olivia and I and Axel, we’d go sledding every year. We could go down to the park and just hang out.”

Lukas nodded. “Sounds fun. I, uh… do you wanna talk about it?”

Jesse dumped the crepe onto a plate, pausing the music. “‘Bout what?”

“Well, uh, last night,” he blurted, feeling his cheeks turning red. “I mean, didn’t we, uh, y’know, do  _ the thing _ last night, you and I?”

Jesse just smirked at him. 

“If by  _ thing _ , you mean kissing on the balcony and then fucking on your couch, then yes,” he remarked. “I could only find two plates. Do you have another?”

“No,” Lukas said. His face felt like the portable heater back at Jesse’s place. 

“I guess a bowl would work,” Jesse mused, scratching his chin. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Jesse paused, raising his eyebrows. 

Lukas couldn’t tell what was going through Jesse’s head. This guy had an awfully good poker face. 

“I know,” Jesse said. “You were really bad at hiding it. Ever since the coffee shop. And I am decently sure it’s because you googled the meaning of what I wrote under your portrait. I put it there for a reason, ya’know.”

“You love me too?” Lukas whispered. “Nobody’s ever said that before.”

Jesse laughed nervously. “Same. I mean, didn’t I tell you how I felt last night? While we were standing on the balcony? We don’t need to fuck off and kill ourselves in February anymore. You’re my reason, Lukas.”

Lukas paused, that warm feeling flooding his chest again. “And you’re mine,” he replied. 

They just stood there for a few seconds, staring at each other.

And then Jesse kissed him. 

Lukas realized that he was crying silently as they clung to each other. 

The kiss was incredibly soft and gentle, not nearly as rough as last night, but it was so full of meaning that Lukas felt like he was also burst into tears. 

So he let himself cry. 

“ _ Te amo, _ ” Jesse mumbled. “ _ Te amo,  _ Lukas.  _ Te quiero mucho, y nunca quiero dejarte ir. Te amo, te amo, te amo. _ ”

“What does that mean?” Lukas asked.

Jesse leaned forward, resting his head on his shoulder. “It means I love you.”

“Fuck, you’re gonna make me cry even more,” Lukas mumbled, stroking Jesse’s hair. 

“C’mon,” Jesse said, pulling back and wiping his eyes and smiling. “We’ve gotta eat before the food gets cold.”


	15. 5 Hours Before

“WHAT is UP, guys?” Axel yelled, running up to them, a bottle of what looked like vodka in one hand. 

Lukas grinned. He’d started to appreciate Axel’s loud personality. Even though he could be annoying, he was a nice person and would do anything for his friends. 

“Yo, Petra, they made it!”

“We brought food,” Jesse said, holding up the bag that they’d put the cookies in. Sure, they were cheap grocery store cookies, but they were better than nothing. 

“Oh, hell yes,” Axel said, grabbing the bag. Then he frowned. “Hold up. Are you two holding hands?”

“Oh, so you finally noticed,” Petra said, playfully smacking Axel on the back of the head. “Those two dumbasses have been head over heels for each other since, fuck, I dunno, November?”

Lukas sighed. “Okay, yes, we’re both huge gay idiots,” he admitted. “But isn’t this a party? C’mon, let’s drop the cookies and go dance.”

That got a laugh out of everybody. 

“Say, Lukas,” Petra continued. “What’re those little bruises all over your neck?”

Axel and Olivia continued to laugh. 

Lukas flinched.

He’d noticed that those hickeys had faded, but apparently not enough to avoid Petra’s eyes. 

Jesse smirked, arching his eyebrows suggestively. “I think you know, Petra.”

Lukas groaned in frustration. “ _ Jesse! _ ”

Everybody laughed some more. 

“Hey, Axel, mind if you grab us some drinks?” Jesse finally asked after the laughter died down. “I’d like an orange juice with vodka. What would you like, Lukas?”

Lukas hesitated. He’d never drunk alcohol before, and he was pretty sure that nobody at the party was 21. But then again, it wasn’t like anybody was going to find out. 

“I’ll have what you’re having,” he said.

“On it,” Axel said, disappearing into the crowd.

After he left, Jesse plopped down on one of the couches, snagging a piece of pizza from a tray as Olivia started to pester him. Lukas followed awkwardly. He’d never been invited to a party like this, and he knew almost nobody here, except for Petra, who’d vanished, Axel, who’d left to get drinks, and Olivia, who seemed to be interrogating Jesse in Spanish. 

In short, Lukas felt way out of his element, especially with the dim light and the loud music. 

“ _ Entonces, ¿cuánto tiempo has estado saliendo? _ ” Olivia asked. “ _ Cuando besaste por primera vez? ¿Jodieron ustedes dos en su primera cita? Ustedes dos parecen estar realmente cómodos el uno con el otro, si saben a qué me refiero. _ ”

Jesse’s face went bright red. 

“ _ Eres la última persona con la que me gustaría hablar sobre mi vida sexual,  _ Olivia,” he said, grinning and shaking his head. “ _ Pero eres mi mejor amigo. Te diré todo, pequeña mierda molesta. _ ”

Lukas just stared at them. Sure, he’d read up on some basic Spanish, but all he’d caught was “best friend” and “little shit.” 

“I have no idea what either of them just said,” Petra remarked. Lukas yelped, spinning around. 

“Geez! Where the hell did you come from?” He squawked.

“The bathroom,” Petra said. “I was gonna use it, but that was before I walked in on some completely wasted sophomores doing it on the sink counter.”

Lukas snorted. “Sounds fun,” he said. “Anyway, we haven’t really gotten a chance to talk in a while. How’s it been?”

“Pretty good,” Petra said. “Those meds they put me on are really helping, but my therapist and I have been talking, and I’m probably gonna get an emotional support dog soon. She says that having a dog might help me relax a bit when I’m going through a mood swing.”

“That’s actually a really good idea,” Lukas said, scratching his chin. “You have a name in mind?”

Petra shrugged. “It’ll come to me eventually, I guess.”

Lukas couldn’t help but grin. He was more of a cat person himself, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t like dogs. He had to admit, this was a good idea on her therapist’s part. Petra had always had a soft spot for puppies, and taking care of one would definitely help her. 

“I’m back,” Axel said, climbing over the couch with several drinks in hand. “I’ve got a whiskey for Olivia, two screwdrivers for the gays, and a water for Petra. Cheers!”

Lukas took his drink, and cautiously took a sip. He winced. It was, well… stronger than what he was used to. 

Jesse, however, didn’t seem to mind, because instead of sipping, he just knocked his cup back and took a swig. 

Petra laughed. “Lukas, you look like you just took a sip of lighter fluid.”

“That’s probably what this stuff is  _ actually  _ made of,” he retorted, gingerly taking another sip.  _ And maybe a finger or two of paint thinner, too,  _ he thought, wrinkling his nose. 

Axel laughed. “We’ve got three hours till midnight,” he said, sipping his own drink. “Do y’all wanna watch some fireworks, because you can see the ones they set off at the football field real easy from the backyard. Since you guys are essentially the VIPs, you’re allowed to come up on the roof!”

Lukas raised his eyebrows. He had some doubts about that. “Axel, are you sure climbing on the roof in winter is a good idea?”

“Yeah, the roof has these weird heating things to melt the snow. You won’t fall, trust me. Besides, there’s this big-ass snowbank right next to the roof,” Axel said.

Lukas shrugged. The idea still made him a little nervous, but then again, how bad could it be?

He took another sip of his drink. Now that he’d gotten used to the taste, it wasn’t all that bad. And the pleasant buzz it left on his tongue wasn’t that awful, either. 

And the night was only just beginning.

<~>

“Go, go, go! You’re almost there!”

Lukas grinned, watching as Jesse downed his final shot, a huge grin on his flushed and sweaty face. Olivia was slumped in her chair, looking annoyed and tipsy. 

“I win!” Jesse yelled, staggering slightly as Axel grabbed his hand and held it up.

Lukas laughed. Maybe it was the fact that he was halfway through his second orange-juice-and-vodka drink that he couldn’t remember the name of, but he felt good. Better than ever. 

And he loved Jesse  _ so fucking much _ .

He grabbed Jesse by the shoulders, giving him a kiss. “You are awesome, babe,” he said, grinning. 

“ _ Gracias bebé,” _ Jesse giggled, his voice slurring. “You’re sexy.”

Petra, who was sprawled on the couch, a can of soda in hand, laughed. “Jesse, I think you’re drunk.”

Jesse scowled, standing up straight, but lost his balance, leaning against Lukas again. “I swear to drunk, Petra, I’m not fuckin’ god!” 

Lukas burst out laughing, and Petra just smirked and shook her head. 

“Five minutes to midnight, guys,” Olivia said, rubbing her forehead. “Damnit, why did I let you guys talk me into this? Let’s get on the roof. We’ve got our watches synced.”

Axel jumped up, grabbing a bottle of champagne. “Gotta have this,” he said. 

A few moments later, they were on the roof, with only two minutes to go. 

Lukas shivered. The warm buzz of the alcohol only did so much against the cold, he thought, hugging his bomber jacket tighter. Jesse sat next to him, giggling quietly as he lit a cigarette, the smoke adding to the clouds of condensation from their breath. 

Lukas smiled. 

He loved this boy  _ so fucking much _ .

Had he mentioned that before?

He couldn’t remember.

Then Jesse started singing, his voice slurred, and he kept almost breaking out in giggles mid-sentence. 

_ “Te amo, chico, eres mi luz de las estrellas, _

_ Chico, haces que mi mundo gire, _

_ Eres mi hermoso sol de mierda, _

_ Me vuelves un poco loco o alguna mierda como esta, ¡jódeme, estoy borracho!” _

Lukas laughed. “I have no idea what that means, you ass.”

Jesse laughed so hard that he dropped his cigarette. He mumbled a curse, but didn’t light another one. “I love you,” he mumbled, leaning his head on Lukas’s shoulder. 

Then Lukas’s watch started beeping, and the fireworks at the football field across the street started going off. 

Jesse sat up, grinning. 

“Happy New Year,  _ cariño _ .”

Lukas chuckled. He felt warm inside as Jesse placed a hand on his cheek, gently brushing his hair out of his eyes with the other. 

Lukas couldn’t remember ever feeling so happy. 

And yet he did now. 

The fireworks continued to pop and explode into beautiful displays of color in the starry sky, and as their lips met, Lukas felt something he hadn’t felt in a long, long time. 

_ Hope. _

Things could get better. 


	16. 5 Minutes Before

_ “Eres mi sol, _

_ Mi unico rayo de sol, _

_ Me haces feliz _

_ ¡Cuando el cielo está gris!” _

Lukas laughed loudly, letting Jesse lean heavily on his shoulder as they staggered down the sidewalk towards his apartment. The time and date on his phone now read two-thirty-four a. M., January 1st, and Lukas felt great. 

Of course, Jesse had insisted on carrying Lukas’s backpack. 

Lukas giggled, finishing the verse in English. 

_ “You’ll never know, dear, _

_ How much I love you, _

_ Please don’t take my sunshine away!” _

Jesse laughed, kissing him on the cheek, his face flushed with cold, snowflakes dotting his hair. 

“Lukas, you’re beautiful,” he mumbled. 

Lukas grinned. He knew Jesse was drunk. He probably was, too, but he didn’t care. 

“You’re beautiful, too.”

Suddenly, from down a nearby alley, there came a loud clattering noise. 

Lukas froze. 

Even with the alcohol dulling his awareness, it made him jump. “Wh—what was that?” He squeaked. 

Jesse waved his hand. “Probably a stray cat or some shit,” he replied, obviously trying not to laugh. “It’s fine,  _ cariño _ !”

Lukas frowned, glancing behind them, and then flinched. There was a person of indeterminable gender walking down the sidewalk behind them, at a suspiciously close distance for just another pedestrian. 

“Jesse,” he hissed. 

“Hmmm?” Jesse hummed, kissing him on the cheek again. 

“Jesse, don’t look, but I think there’s somebody following us.”

“It’s New Year’s! We’re just two bros, hangin’ out! There’s nothing wrong, Lukas!”

“Jesse, stop,” Lukas stammered, his anxiety swelling. “Stop yelling. We could both get robbed.”

To his dismay, Jesse ignored him. 

“Two bros, hugging and walking down the street, zero feet apart because we’re deadass gay!” He sang.

Then Lukas heard a click that could only come from someone cocking a gun. 

“Give me your shit, right now.”

Lukas froze. 

_ Oh no.  _

_ No, no, no. _

Jesse snorted. “As  _ if _ ,” he giggled. 

“Jesse, he’s got a gun,” Lukas mumbled quietly, trying to keep from hyperventilating. He could feel his whole body shaking. 

The guy was wearing a dark hoodie and a ski mask, so Lukas couldn’t see his face. 

And the gun barrel was leveled at his chest.

Jesse scowled, staring at the gun in the guy’s hand. “Can you point that thing somewhere  _ other _ than my boyfriend?” he snapped, wobbling as he stood up straight. 

Lukas felt another jolt of terror. 

“I told you to drop your shit!” The guy hissed, still pointing the gun at Lukas. 

Lukas just stared, shaking, paralyzed by fear. 

_ Please don’t say something stupid, please don’t say something stupid, please don’t say something stupid— _

Jesse continued to glare as he took out his wallet. “I  _ said, _ don’t point that thing at him.”

_ He said something stupid. _

“Jesse, just give him my backpack,” Lukas pleaded. “Just give it to him.”

Jesse ignored him. 

“Drop the backpack, or your friend gets it!” The guy barked. “You’ve got three seconds!”

“One!”

Jesse didn’t move. 

“Jesse, just drop it!” Lukas stammered, trying to force back his terror. “My shit isn’t important!”

“Two!”

Jesse’s eyes darted back and forth. He looked panicked now.

“Three!”

Lukas squeezed his eyes shut as the gun fired.


	17. 1 Second After

Lukas’s eyes flew open. 

A split second before the gun had fired, he’d heard Jesse move. He’d thought it had been a frantic attempt to run, which Lukas wouldn’tve blamed him for. 

He’d been terrified enough to do the same thing. 

But this was worse. 

So much worse. 

Lukas just stared as Jesse staggered and fell, clutching his side. 

The guy just stared at them for a second before breaking into a sprint, tearing down the street, gun still in hand. 

And then reality hit Lukas like a semi-truck. 

“Jesse!”

He dropped down next to Jesse, who was on his side, breath coming in shallow, wheezy gasps. 

“I saved your journal,” Jesse mumbled. “And your jacket.”

Lukas choked back a sob, rolling him on his back. Jesse had his hand clamped over a quickly growing stain on his front, just below his ribs. Lukas shoved his hand away and almost screamed as blood began to run down Jesse’s side, spreading across his blue and white sweater. 

“It hurts,” Jesse wheezed. “It hurts a lot.”

Lukas swore loudly, fumbling with his phone as his hands shook violently and tears blurred his vision. 

But he managed to call Petra. 

“Get down here, fast,” Lukas stuttered, not waiting for her to ask what was going on. “You’re the only one who’s sober. We’re a block from my apartment, in front of that one coffee shop that’s never open.”

“What the hell is wrong?” Petra demanded. 

“We got mugged. Jesse got shot.”

There was a pause. 

“I’m coming,” Petra finally said, her voice cold and angry. “Give me five minutes.”

With that, she hung up. 

“Lukas?”

Lukas glanced down at Jesse, who was holding his hand over the wound, his face contorted with pain. 

Lukas tried to wipe his eyes. “I’m here,” he mumbled, pressing his hand over Jesse’s, trying to staunch the flow of blood from his side. 

“I’m s—sorry I… I got—t hurt.”

Lukas realized he was hyperventilating as Jesse let out a low moan of pain, trying to sit up. 

“Goddamnit, Jesse!” Lukas shouted, his emotion finally spilling over. He unzipped his backpack, yanking out his jacket and pressing it over the wound. “Why did you do that? That was so fucking stupid!  _ Why? _ ”

Jesse smiled faintly. “You t—told me… you told me the… th—the journal… meant a lot to y—y—you…”

He coughed, and Lukas felt another rush of fear as Jesse leaned over and spat blood onto the pavement. 

“Petra’s on her way,” Lukas mumbled. “Hang on for just a few more minutes, Jesse, please. Do it for me.”

Jesse coughed again, giving his hand a sharp squeeze. 

  
“ _ T—te… te amo,  _ Lukas.”


	18. 3 Hours After

Lukas squeezed the armrests of his chair. 

His hands were still coated with Jesse’s half-dried blood. 

He hadn’t bothered to wash them.

Petra sat next to him, kneading her hands in her lap, his backpack sitting at her feet. 

Her eyes were dark with rage.

The hospital waiting room was clean and surprisingly empty.

Magazines were stacked on the table in front of them. 

There was a baby crying nearby. 

Lukas just stared straight ahead, his whole body shaking. 

A woman in a doctor’s uniform walked out of the door to his left. She had dark skin and grey cornrows, her face lined with age. Her name tag read _ Dr. Harper Madison._

Lukas glanced up at her. 

She looked exhausted. 

“Is Jesse okay?” He mumbled, fearing the worst.

“We had to operate immediately,” she explained. “You were lucky to get him here as fast as you did. Only time will tell, but he’s alright, for the time being.”

Lukas felt the weight on his shoulders ease slightly. 

And he broke down sobbing. 

<~>

“Lukas.”

Lukas blinked. He was lying across several chairs in the hospital waiting room, his jacket draped over him. Petra was sitting next to him. 

“Lukas, it’s three in the afternoon,” she said hollowly. “You can see him now.”

He sat up. “What room?” 

Petra stood, rubbing her eyes. “He’s in the ICU right now. I’ll go get the doctor.”

Lukas shook his head. “You’re exhausted,” he said, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice. “Go home and get some sleep.”

Petra scowled, an icy look flickering in her eyes. “That altruistic bullshit isn’t gonna work on me,” she snapped. “I’m not going anywhere until I’ve seen him alive.”

Lukas flinched. Between his headache, his exhaustion, and the bitter fear and sadness, he couldn’t find the strength to argue with her. 

The next few minutes were a blur as the doctor with grey cornrows led them through the hallways and finally to Jesse’s room. 

Lukas barely registered the number on the door. He just felt too numb and exhausted. 

As soon as the door opened, Lukas felt a painful jolt in his stomach as he saw Jesse’s condition. He noticed Petra flinch as well, probably realizing how similar it was to a year ago. 

Jesse was asleep, as far as they could tell. There were tubes up his nose, and a large mass of bandages around his torso, where Lukas vaugely remembered the bullet striking. His wrists were also exposed, revealing the burns and scars freckling the right one. There was an IV in his left. 

He was so still and silent that Lukas almost didn’t believe the heart rate monitor until he saw the faint rise and fall of Jesse’s chest. 

Lukas glanced down at the piece of paper he was holding, the foggy memory of tearing it out of his notebook surfacing again. 

His hands were shaking. 

He glanced over at Petra, who looked like she was either going to start punching something or burst into tears. 

She suddenly turned. “I need to get out of here,” she choked out, rushing out and down the hall. 

Lukas didn’t blame her. The smell of antiseptic and bleak atmosphere of the hospital dredged up too many unpleasant memories, especially in Petra’s case.

Lukas cautiously approached the hospital bed, gently touching Jesse’s hand. 

He didn’t stir. 

“Jesse?” Lukas said quietly. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but everything is gonna be okay. I’m here, and I plan on staying as long as they’ll let me.”

He carefully tucked the piece of paper into Jesse’s fingers. 

“I wrote that the day after you painted all those murals,” he murmured. “I wrote it because you gave me advice. Because it helped me.”

He paused, grimacing and wiping the tears from his eyes. “Stay,” he pleaded softly. “Stay with me. Please. I need you. The disaster human group needs you. We all need you. You’re my reason, Jesse.”


	19. 3 Days After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to be shorter ones, since I haven’t been able to write a lot recently, but I’ll try to get stuff out faster!

It had been four days since it had happened, and Jesse was still unconscious. 

Sure, he had occasionally managed to break through the haze of painkillers and exhaustion that Lukas knew all too well to mumble something or glance around, but it was still making Lukas very, very nervous. 

But then, when he came to visit him that day, he was greeted by the best surprise he could’ve asked for. 

“Oh, hey, _ cariño. _”

Lukas gasped as Jesse slowly turned his head, wincing as he did so, but grinning faintly. He looked weak and exhausted, and a bit paler than usual, but he was awake. 

And alive, for that matter. 

“Oh my god,” Lukas stammered, clapping a hand over his mouth, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Lukas, are these tubes in my nose necessary?” Jesse mumbled. “It makes swallowing really fuckin’ weird. Also, the food here is shit. How soon are you gonna ge—”

Lukas cut him off with a kiss. 

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he sobbed. “We should’ve stayed at Axel’s place. This wouldn’tve happened if I hadn’t—”

Jesse started to laugh, which quickly turned into painful coughing. 

“Damnit, laughing is gonna hurt until I heal up,” Jesse grumbled. “They said the bullet grazed my lung, and any higher and the thing would’ve probably killed me! Anyway, you better not blame yourself for this, Lukas. I shouldn’tve gotten drunk and dragged you into that mess in the first place. You are, one hundred percent, not to blame for the deep shit I’m in right now.”

Lukas winced. “That isn’t gonna keep me from feeling like shit, Jesse.”

Jesse sighed. “Okay, feel like shit, but don’t feel like shit because I got shot. Feel like shit because of something valid, like Kinder Surprise eggs being illegal here, or effing global warming! There’s literally nothing you could do. You were being held at gunpoint. I just really didn’t want him to get you, so I did the first thing that came to mind. Blame my recklessness, not yourself!”

Lukas blinked, suddenly realizing. 

Jesse had saved his life. 

“I read what you wrote on that paper,” Jesse continued. “I see you took my advice.”

Lukas chuckled weakly. “Yeah. I was too scared to tell you initially, but then Christmas Eve happened.”

Jesse laughed again, which quickly turned into coughing. He smirked. 

“Whaddya say, Lukas?” He teased, reaching over and taking his hand. “I get out of here, we go to your apartment, lock the door, and—”

Lukas fought back a laugh. “We’re not doing that until your stitches get taken out,” he said sternly. “I don’t want you getting hurt. That would just be embarrassing for both of us.”

Jesse started coughing again, which Lukas now knew was him trying to laugh. 

“I missed you,” he murmured fondly, lacing their fingers together. “Are the others doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas said. “Axel and Olivia were pretty upset, but they’re doing okay. They came to visit. Petra came to visit too, but she doesn’t usually do very well in hospitals, mostly because of her past. She got a therapy dog yesterday, though.”

Jesse brightened. “I’m more of a cat person, but I won’t hesitate to snuggle and pet the floofer when I meet it,” he said. “What’s its name?” 

Lukas grinned. “It’s this adorable pitbull-husky mix,” he said. “Petra named him Bravo. He’s brown and white, and he’s got one brown eye and one blue. And he’s got effing adorable ears.”

Jesse smiled softly. “Can’t wait to meet him.”


	20. 33 Days After

“They’re finally letting me leave!” Jesse said, tapping his fingers along the crutch the doctors had insisted he use to walk. 

A month had passed since it had happened, and after several surgeries, a fall down the hospital stairs while trying to escape the nurses, and more applesauce dinners than Lukas could’ve put up with, Jesse was getting discharged today. 

Of course, the doctors had insisted that Lukas keep an eye on him, since the wound was still delicate. 

Right now, the two of them were sitting in the garden area on the terrace, and Jesse could hardly sit still. He was constantly moving, tapping his fingers or bouncing his knee, messing with his hair or picking at his hands. 

Lukas guessed it was either impatience, his ADHD, or an unholy combination of the two.

“I can’t wait to paint again,” Jesse continued. “It’s spring! I also can’t wait to meet Petra’s dog. Too bad they wouldn’t let the little guy in my room.”

Lukas chuckled. “He isn’t exactly little anymore. He’s gotten a lot bigger since I showed you the picture.”

Jesse continued to tap his fingers. “True. I mean, how big do pitbulls and huskies get? Shit, I don’t recall. Maybe I’ll paint a picture of Bravo when they let me out of here.” 

Lukas grinned. “I can get your paints from your hideout.”

<~>

A few hours later, after checking out and picking up Jesse’s painting supplies, they headed off down the street towards Axel’s place. Upon hearing the news that Jesse could leave the hospital, he’d sent out a text to the group chat to come to his house. 

Lukas knew why, but he couldn’t tell Jesse yet. 

He grinned as Jesse skipped and twirled down the sidewalk, not bothering to use his crutch as the morning sun shone down, warm on Lukas’s back. Spring was definitely in the air. 

Then Jesse’s feet hit a patch of melting ice, and he skidded wildly before catching himself. 

“Ow,” he grumbled, holding his side. 

Luckily, Lukas didn’t see a blood stain on his T-shirt. At least his stitches hadn’t torn out.

“Calm down,” Lukas said, chuckling to himself. “You don’t want to go back to the hospital for a concussion, do you, Rihanna?” 

Jesse laughed. “You bastard.”

By the time they reached Axel’s place, Jesse seemed to have worn himself out, Lukas thought, watching him lean on his crutch. 

“Damn, I’m tired,” Jesse groaned, falling into step beside him. 

Lukas shrugged. “Well, we’re here,” he said, knocking on Axel’s front door. 

Then it flew open.

“ _ SURPRISE, YOU IMPULSIVE MOTHERFUCK! _ ” 

Lukas burst out laughing as Axel and Olivia lunged out to greet Jesse, who stumbled back in surprise. Petra followed a few moments later, holding a cake in her hands, which read  _ we’re glad you’re back, bitch! _ in bright green lettering. 

“We’re so glad you’re okay!” Olivia cried, catching Jesse in a hug. Axel was actually crying, and wrapped his arms around both of them, lifting them off the ground. 

“Don’t scare us like that ever again!” He sobbed, sniffling as he set them down. 

Lukas couldn’t help but smile as Jesse wobbled unsteadily, grinning happily. 

“Sorry about that whole incident,” he said, straightening his shirt. “But you’ll be proud to hear that my sweet ass is back in business!”

Everybody laughed. 

“I made you a cake,” Petra said. “Well, technically I didn’t  _ actually  _ make it; I just cut a circular piece out of a cake from the grocery store and put words and frosting on it because I’m a really shitty cook, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.”

Jesse shrugged, taking it from her. “It’s cool, Petra. Cake is cake! Now let’s eat!”

Lukas smiled, following the others into the house. 

Things were sorting themselves out. 


	21. 46 Days After

“Lukas.”

Lukas paused, looking up from his pizza. Jesse was sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the table, looking up at him. 

For the most part, given Jesse’s leftover exhaustion from his recovery, they hadn’t done much. They’d mostly hung around Jesse’s hideout, and Jesse had been painting. 

A lot. 

Lukas couldn’t remember how many murals he’d churned out in the past few weeks, but they’d all been beautiful. 

Jesse, apparently, had missed being able to express himself in a way that he had experience with. 

Confused, Lukas just stared at him. 

“Is… is something wrong?” He asked, setting his book down. “Do you need help? Is your side hurting? Are you going through a blue period?”

Jesse chuckled. “No, Lukas. It’s Valentine’s Day.”

Lukas froze, quickly checking the date on his phone just to be sure. 

February fourteenth. 

_ Oh, shit. _

“I… uh… didn’t realize,” Lukas stammered. “I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, much less spent Valentine’s Day with—”

Jesse just laughed. 

“You’re overthinking it,” he said, grinning. “Look, we can’t call Axel to come hang out because he’s studying for his midterms for med school, and ever since Petra and Olivia announced that they were a thing I have a feeling we don’t wanna know what they’re up to. So it’s basically just us two for tonight,  _ and _ it’s a Friday, so we can do pretty much anything tonight. Whaddya wanna do,  _ muchacho _ ?”

Lukas blushed, awkwardly setting his slice of pizza back on its plate. “From your tone, it sounds like you want to do  _ something _ in particular, Jesse.”

Jesse snorted. “Not  _ necessarily _ ,” he said, laughing. “I mean, it would be great if you wanna, but it’s your choice.”

“Okay,” Lukas said. “How about we watch a movie? Any preferences?”

Jesse shrugged. “Something with a happy ending,” he said, rubbing his fingers along a new burn on his arm. “I don’t see enough of those. Oh, and ever since Olivia got me to watch  _ Star Trek  _ movies with her, I’ve been liking science fiction.”

Lukas pursed his lips. “The only sci-fi movie I have downloaded is  _ Return of the Jedi _ ,” he said. “Mostly because Petra loves it so much. You down?”

Jesse brightened. “Hell yeah!” He exclaimed. “ _ Star Wars _ is one of my favorite movies ever. Original Trilogy, to be specific. I mean, the prequels were okay, and the newer ones are pretty good, but nothing they come up with now will be better than the original dramatic gay hoe Luke Skywalker showing up fifteen minutes late to every battle with a Starbucks and a fashionable outfit.”

Lukas laughed. “Sounds like a plan, then.  _ Star Wars _ it is.”

<~>

As the movie went on, Lukas started to get distracted. 

It wasn’t like he was bored, though. 

Jesse was curled up like a cat next to him, knees tucked to his chest, arms resting on them. He was focused on Lukas’s phone, watching the movie, but his fingers were still tapping away. 

At least his fingers were paint-stained again. After all that time in the hospital, they’d become unsettlingly clean. 

Then the patchwork of new and old burn tissue on Jesse’s forearm caught Lukas’s eyes. 

He’d never really let himself look at them before, mostly out of awkwardness. But Jesse didn’t seem to mind as Lukas peered at the scars, mentally comparing them to his own. 

But then he saw the others. 

Jesse was wearing a tank top, which wasn’t new. He wore them all the time, especially indoors or while he was painting, but Lukas had never gotten a good look at his shoulders or his legs, which he could easily see now. 

The biggest scar was a scrape on Jesse’s bicep. It looked like a scratch, one that had been clawed open countless times. There were more like this on Jesse’s shoulders and thighs, in places a T-shirt and shorts would normally cover. 

And then there was the collection of burns on Jesse’s shin. These looked worryingly fresh. They weren’t treated either. In fact, a few of them looked like they were oozing pus, and to add onto that, Jesse’s eyes looked more sunken and tired than they normally did. 

Jesse wasn’t as okay as he said he was. 

Lukas reached over and turned off the movie, stuffing his phone back into his pocket and turned to face him. 

“Hey!” Jesse yelped. “What, do you not wanna watch Yoda try to bullshit his way out of talking about Luke’s daddy issues by literally dying? C’mon, man!”

Lukas sighed. “We need to talk,” he said, pointing at Jesse’s burned shin. “About that. Those look bad.”

Jesse frowned. “I was pissed.”

“Elaborate.”

A bitter look crossed Jesse’s face as he sat there, clenching and unclenching his fingers in what looked like frustration. 

“I hate this,” he muttered. 

Lukas raised his eyebrows. 

“I hate this!” Jesse snapped through gritted teeth. “ _ ¿Por qué siempre llueve sobre nosotros?” _

Lukas stared at him blankly. 

Jesse must’ve noticed that he’d yelled in Spanish instead of English, because he flinched and mumbled unintelligibly under his breath for a few moments. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I mean why do all of the…  _ cómo se dice _ … damnit, I can’t remember that word… you know what, fuck this! Why does the bad shit always happen to the people who’ve been through the most? I mean, we both lost our families when we were young, we both have mental illnesses that went unchecked so that nobody wanted us because we were ‘problem kids,’ and then we meet, and just when I’m starting to think that things are going to get better, we get robbed and somebody fucking shoots me! That’s why I didn’t call you for a few days after they released me, Lukas. I was in a really bad place mentally. Like a blue period, but much, much worse. I’ve been feeling like shit ever since it happened because this is just the cherry on top of the burned, stale, fucked-up cake that is my life.”

Jesse sniffled, wiping his nose on the hem of his shirt. 

“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to freak you out because I know you tried to kill yourself before and you don’t want me to do it. I’m running out of reasons not to,” he continued bitterly, his voice cracking. 

Lukas felt like someone had punched him in the gut. 

“Jesse,” he said softly. “Jesse, you’re not thinking clearly. Look, bad things happen to everyone, but to people like us, it means a lot more. And Axel and Olivia are a reason to keep going. Petra is a reason. Even Bravo, or your paintings, are reasons. If you can’t find a personal reason to keep going, do it for someone else. That’s the only reason I’m sitting here right now. Petra was the only thing keeping me going for months. But then I met you. You became my reason. I fell in love with you.”

Jesse shook his head. “No, you just fell in love with my looks,” he retorted. “Or my skills. Not me. You know, when everyone tells you that you’re a piece of shit, you’ll start believing it.”

With that, he stood, putting his sweater back on. 

Lukas just stared at him for a moment, the reality sinking in. “Wait, Jesse, wh—“

“I need to leave,” Jesse said monotonously, wiping his eyes. 

Lukas froze. “Jesse!” He cried. “No, Jesse, you don’t have to leave!” He jumped up, grabbing his arm. “Stay. Stay, please.” 

Jesse smacked his hand away. 

“Yes I do,” Jesse spat, heading for the door. “Because you’re better than me. So much fucking better. Axel and Olivia, they absolutely love you! You and your I’m-such-a-sweet-nervous-guy act! I hate it! They like you more, Lukas. They like stupid, charming, perfect Lukas a lot more than me, and I don’t want you to replace me. Now I’m leaving. Don’t bother trying to call me.”

Lukas just stood there, staring at Jesse in shock. “If you felt like that you should’ve told me,” he whispered numbly. 

“Leave me alone,” Jesse snarled, slamming the door behind him. 

Lukas just stared at the closed door, the events of the past few minutes still sinking in. 

Then he broke down sobbing.


	22. 50 Days After

Lukas stared blankly at his arm. 

It was the worst it had been since… months ago, actually. Jesse hadn’t spoken to him at all since that awful day. 

There were brand new gashes in his forearm. Two of them were currently bleeding, as Lukas shakily set down the pair of scissors he’d forgotten he was holding and gingerly wiped the blood away, reaching for a bandage. 

His phone buzzed. 

Hope flared in him as he saw the message. Maybe it was Jesse, trying to apologize and reconnect, maybe—

It was just Petra, asking for the homework assignment from yesterday. 

Lukas choked back a sob. 

<~>

Days passed. 

Then weeks. 

Lukas could feel himself getting worse. 

Jesse hadn’t responded to a single text, email, or call since. It was March now, and the trees were budding. 

Lukas sighed, smiling, letting his shoulders relax as he walked down the street, feeling the warm spring breeze on his face. 

He felt terrible. 

He’d tried to contact Jesse, tried to apologize, tried to ask him to come back. But Jesse hadn’t answered, and Lukas felt too anxious to go to his hideout to confront him. 

He’d finally given up a few days ago. 

He’d given up on everything. 

Lukas remembered slipping down to Jesse’s hideout after working up enough courage. He’d made a beeline for his sleeping area, and had found it, but it had been empty. 

Every last bit of hope that he’d still had vanished. 

Lukas had made up his mind. 

He’d left his backpack there. His notebook, his phone, his earbuds. Everything that had value to him, with a note. 

_ If you still want to talk, meet me at six tonight at the big bridge at the edge of town. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.  _

Lukas closed his eyes, still smiling, the breeze soothing on his tear-stained cheeks. 

He didn’t have any hope that Jesse would actually show up. 

He finally reached the bridge. 

He had bad memories of this place, but he didn’t care. That didn’t mean anything right now. 

And he waited.


	23. 76 Days After

The big clock on a nearby building read six-fifteen. 

No sign of Jesse. 

Lukas sighed softly, kneading his hands in his lap. He’d given Jesse an extra fifteen minutes because he was used to him showing up five minutes late. 

He probably wasn’t coming by now. 

Lukas rose, his feet carrying him to the center of the bridge. He gazed numbly at the water below, wondering how cold it would be. 

The sun was setting in a violent display of color, streams of pink and gold and yellow and orange colliding in the sky, melting into deep blues, and then finally into a deep, star-studded black. 

Lukas couldn’t help but imagine how much Jesse would’ve wanted to paint a sky like this. 

He heaved a sigh, calmly stepping up onto the low stone wall at the edge. 

He could feel the wind in his hair.

The occasional twinge of pain in his arm.

Tears welling up in his eyes. 

Lukas tensed his legs, preparing to jump. He remembered the feeling of air rushing past him, then water slamming into him, then unconsciousness. He could only hope that he wouldn’t wake up this time. 

He’d lost his reason. 

“ _ Lukas, no!” _

He froze. 

“Lukas, please wait. Please. Just gimme a chance to talk, please. I’m sorry. I fucked up real bad. Get down from there, please.”

He knew that voice. 

“There’s no point in putting this off anymore, Jesse,” Lukas murmured softly. “I understand that you’re angry at me. You’re pissed for a reason. I’m ending this for a reason. We both have reasons. Just go back.”

“Lukas, please don’t do this,” Jesse pleaded. “Please. I didn’t mean to push you away like that. I really fucked up, okay? I was pissed at my own shitty luck and I took it out on you. I’m so fucking sorry. Please just get down from there.”

Lukas sighed, fighting back tears. “Just let me go,” he mumbled. “There’s no point in going through this shit if I can’t find any reason to. Just go.”

“I’m a reason,” Jesse blurted. 

Lukas tensed. 

“You said it yourself. If you can’t find a personal reason, do it for others. You said Petra was the reason you kept going, right? You convinced me not to do this. I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was being an asshole for no reason. I fucked up. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Lukas could hear the panic and desperation in Jesse’s voice. How he was fighting back tears. How he was struggling to stay calm. 

Lukas slowly turned. 

Jesse was holding his backpack, his whole body shaking as he wiped his nose on his sleeve, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

He looked afraid. 

Very afraid. 

_ Stay for him. He means it.  _

Lukas slowly climbed down off the barrier, ignoring the stabbing pain in his arm. 

Jesse immediately stepped forward, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in the side of his neck, and broke down sobbing. He started mumbling incoherently, mostly in Spanish, but Lukas kept hearing the same few words. 

“ _ Lo siento. Lo siento muchísimo. _ ”

From what Lukas remembered, Jesse always tended to lose his English whenever he was upset or excited, and had to visibly focus to speak it. He’d completely given up at this point, which meant he was borderline hysterical. 

Lukas winced. He had to calm him down. 

“Jesse, you need to breathe,” he said quietly. “I’m not gonna do it. I’m so sorry I scared you like that. I wasn’t thinking, I was scared, I was upset, I didn’t think you cared anymore. But you do. I care about you, too. It’s gonna be okay.”


	24. 85 Days After

“Prom is in ten days, you guys. It’s gonna be epic.”

Lukas glanced over at Petra, who’d thrown her feet up on the table. They were currently hanging out at Olivia’s house (and were planning on spending the night, since it was already past nine), and Shakespeare, her small terrier, was yapping at Bravo, who was just ignoring the much smaller dog. 

“Yeah,” Olivia remarked. “I heard they got a fog machine this year.”

Lukas glanced at Jesse, who’d been silent so far. It had been ten days since they’d met at the bridge, and the guy had been quieter than usual recently, which was a bit new. 

Jesse just shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. 

“Let me guess,” Lukas said. “Olivia, you talked Petra out of wearing her ‘formal leather jacket’ and into wearing something nice.”

Petra groaned, rolling her eyes, while Olivia giggled. “Yeah, she’s gotta at least wear a suit,” she replied.

“No dress,” Petra huffed. “I’ve never figured out how to walk in a goddamn skirt and heels without almost breaking my neck. Olivia, I have no effing idea how you do it.”

Jesse laughed. “You sound jealous,” he remarked. 

Petra scoffed. “Yeah, like you could do it. That shit is harder than Olivia makes it look, man.”

“Ooh, you’re on,” Jesse challenged. “A week’s worth of jello cups that I can walk faster than you.”

Petra narrowed her eyes. “I’ll raise you a month’s.”

Lukas glanced at him. “Are you seriously gonna do that?” He asked, fighting back his own laughter. 

Jesse smirked. “Hell yeah,” he replied, sitting up. “I mean, how hard could it be? Olivia wears heels to school, and I’ve only seen her wear pants out of the house, like, twice! If she can do it, I could.”

Olivia grinned. “I actually wanna see this,” she said. “Get your asses upstairs. It’s time for a fashion show.”

<~>

Petra scowled. “I look ridiculous,” she grumbled, glaring at the mirror. 

Lukas just stared in surprise. He’d never seen Petra in a skirt, much less a dress, so this was new and slightly frightening to look at, although the dress itself, a blue sleeveless one with a shin-length skirt made out of something Olivia called taffeta, actually looked very nice. 

“You do look weird without anything on your legs,” he admitted. “And I don’t think you’re supposed to wear a motorcycle jacket over a sleeveless dress.”

Petra rolled her eyes, slipping it off and picking up the high heels Olivia had supplied. “Time to kick Jesse’s ass, I guess,” she said. “Uh, by the way, I meant to ask this earlier, but I see you two have started hanging out again. Did you guys manage to talk? About, uh, what happened back in February?”

Lukas hesitated. “Yeah,” he said. “We did, a little. I—I mean, we’re still together, but I don’t know if our relationship will really be the same. After what happened.”

Petra nodded slowly. 

“Try to be tolerant,” she said. “I know you’re new to the whole relationship thing, but just try to listen.”

When they made it downstairs, Lukas stopped abruptly. 

Olivia was laughing hysterically, taking photos. Petra froze, and let out a cackle. Lukas, however, felt his cheeks flushing, because  _ damn _ , Jesse looked fine as all hell in that green strapless dress. 

“Jesse, you look like the chick from  _ Princess and the Frog _ , minus the boobs,” Axel remarked, walking in, his bag on his shoulder. “And by the way, I literally just got here, so I have no idea what’s—wait, Petra, is that a dress? Okay, that looks weird on you. I mean, you look good, but this is new.”

“They bet a month’s worth of jello cups that he’d be able to walk faster in high heels and a dress than she could,” Olivia explained. “Also, I think Lukas here is having a hard time.” 

Lukas flinched, his blush deepening. 

“Oh, you like what you see?” Jesse said, flashing him a grin and striking a ridiculously provocative pose. 

“You’re an asshole,” Lukas groaned.

Everyone laughed. 

Lukas laughed with them, but he couldn’t help but feel nervous and slightly uncomfortable. He knew Jesse had been distant ever since the bridge, and he couldn’t place what it was, but something felt… off. 

“Jesse, we need to talk,” Lukas said, grabbing his arm and pulling him up the stairs. 

He heard Petra and Axel snort and Olivia giggle as they left. 

“Hey, we’ve got a bet to settle,” Jesse remarked. “This better be serious.”

Lukas pulled him into the spare bedroom, shutting and locking the door. “It is,” he said heavily. “I feel like something’s wrong. I can’t place what, but I feel weird. It’s something about you, though. Ever since the bridge you’ve been distant and quiet. We need to talk about it.”

Jesse paused, fidgeting with his skirt.

“I don’t want you to… to… to leave.”

“Come again?”

“I hurt you,” Jesse mumbled. “I hurt you, and I guess I just want things to be like they were before my outburst. I don’t want to say anything that… that would… that would make me panic and withdraw like I did then. I feel really shitty for doing that, for disappearing, especially because of… of what happened to you, your decline. You came way too close to… to…”

“Killing myself?”

Jesse nodded, staring at the wall. 

“I fucked up worse than I ever have,” he continued. “I’m so paranoid of making another mistake. You were right, and I’ve always been too stubborn to admit that sometimes.”

“Well, next time, you’ll know what to do,” Lukas said hopefully. 

Jesse winced.  “There almost  _ wasn’t  _ a next time.” 

Lukas sighed. “Jesse, you had a good point there, you know. People like us always seem to have to deal with the most bullshit. We never have a chance to avoid it. And you’re right. I can see how you were afraid of being replaced, but I’ll have you know that the reason I fell in love with you was because of how perfect I thought you were when I compared myself to you. I guess we just seem perfect in each other’s eyes because… because we’re both fucked up, and we want to try to make each other feel a little better.”

It was silent for a moment. 

Finally, Jesse chuckled sadly. “We are both messed up,” he said. “But I get what you're saying. I was… not in the best frame of mind. I think that’s why I yelled at you. I’m really sorry.”

Lukas shook his head, smiling. “You don’t need to apologize every five minutes, you know.”

“Sorr—” Jesse started to say, but caught himself. Lukas laughed good-naturedly. 

“Also, you look really good in that dress,” he remarked. “A little  _ too _ good.”

Jesse smirked. “What, you wanna do what they obviously were thinking we were gonna do up here?”

“Like I said, I think you look a little too good in that dress,” Lukas taunted. “I think you should take it off.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jesse said, but then paused. “Hold on, can you get the zipper? Olivia zipped it up for me and I can’t reach the damn thing.”

Trying not to laugh, Lukas unzipped the back of the dress. 

“Thanks,” Jesse said. “While Olivia would definitely be amused and ready to spread gossip, I think she’d get pissed if I ripped this thing. Also, getting stuck in it would really kill the mood. Now get your horny ass in that bed, Blondie.”


	25. 85 Days After

“Lukas?”

“Hmm?” 

“I really love you.”

Lukas chuckled softly, gently running his fingers along Jesse’s bare shoulder, kissing him on his forehead. It was about eleven at night at this point, and they were both naked, resting in each other’s arms. 

“I know you do.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to make sure,” Jesse said awkwardly. 

“It’s alright,” Lukas sighed. “Don’t apologize.”

It was silent for awhile. 

“Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like if we carried through with our February plan?” Jesse asked, scooting back just enough so that Lukas could see his face. 

Lukas frowned. “I… well, to be truthful, I never thought about it,” he replied, resting his hand on Jesse’s hip. He really hadn’t thought much about it. He remembered being so focused on his new friend, his lover, that he’d almost forgotten about their agreement. 

It seemed like both of them had. 

“Oh,” Jesse murmured. 

“Well, I’m really glad that we didn’t do it,” Lukas said. “Because we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be together.”

“Same. I’m glad, too.”

A comfortable silence settled over the room. Neither of them spoke for several minutes. Lukas heard Jesse sigh, lacing his fingers through his hair.

Lukas just sat there. 

He’d been in love before, but never like this. It had always been platonic love, or insignificant crushes. 

Never like this. 

With Jesse, he felt at home. He felt like he belonged. He felt  _ understood. _

And with the chaos of the past few months finally gone, he could think clearly about all these feelings; all this pent-up emotion. 

Jesse was his reason. 

“I think I always knew you were gonna be important to me,” Lukas murmured. 

Jesse chuckled softly. 

Lukas smiled, and before he could lose his nerve, he asked the question he’d wanted to ask for weeks now. 

“Do you want to go to prom with me?”

Jesse looked up at him in confusion, brushing hair out his eyes. “What?”

“Shit, damnit, I’m bad at this… uh, do you wanna go to prom?” Lukas stammered, feeling his cheeks flush. “Like, with me? As a couple, y’know? I mean, you’ve technically already gone as a senior, because of you getting held back last year, but do you wanna go with me?” 

“Are you sure that that’s even a question?” Jesse replied, laughing. “Of course I wanna go with you, dumbass!”

“Oh thank god,” Lukas replied. “I was beginning to feel real awkward there for a second. I get… well, I get really nervous with these things.”

“It’s funny that you get nervous asking me to prom but not when you’re literally asking me to fuck you.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Lukas mumbled, flustered. 

Jesse laughed, poking him playfully in the ribs. “I ain’t leaving,” he said. “I think it’s adorable when you get all flustered like that,  _ cariño.”  _

Lukas rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot,” he grumbled. “But a loveable idiot. You feel like going downstairs and seeing what the guys are up to?”

Jesse nodded. “I need to grab my clothes from the bathroom,” he said. “Or I could put the dress back on. Which one?”

Lukas felt his cheeks flush. “Clothes.”

“Ooh, you have a thing for me in dresses, don’t you?”

“Shut up and go get your clothes before I punch you in the arm and then start frantically apologizing because I’m too anxious and nice to even jokingly hit you, you dumbass.”


	26. 95 Days After

Lukas nervously straightened his tie. 

He’d been picking at his clothes ever since he put them on, he realized, heading out to his car, where it was always parked in the garage. He only used it on specific occasions, like now, given that he’d never made much money to begin with, and buying a suit hadn’t exactly been cheap. 

Biting his lip, he climbed in, setting the tiny corsage he’d bought that same day on the dashboard. Thankfully, his ancient and stubborn Impala (gifted to him on his sixteenth birthday by the grandfather of one of his former foster families) revved to life on the first try. 

He pulled out of the parking garage, holding the steering wheel in a death grip. 

<~>

“Whoah, I knew you had a car, but a fucking  _ 1967 Chevy Impala?”  _ Petra exclaimed, jogging down the steps of her grandparents’ porch. 

Lukas grinned nervously. “Yeah,” he said. “One of my foster families gave it to me. It keeps breaking down, though. I’m lucky it started on the first try.”

Petra laughed, dropping her own corsage on the dashboard. “Hand this baby over to me and Olivia, and we can get it running smoothly in a few days,” she said. “The girl’s a whiz with mechanics. I mean, she fixes her dad’s car, which is a DeLorean that I am  _ very _ jealous of, practically every other week! I keep telling you, Lukas. I have found THE GIRL.”

Lukas chuckled. “I’m just glad it’s warm enough to drive with the top down.”

Petra grinned. “We’re going to Olivia’s for the whole photos and limo,” she said. “She just texted me about five minutes ago. Axel sadly can’t make it because he’s got hissed school finals, but I know for a fact that Jesse’s gonna meet us there.”

Lukas bit his lip. “I’m very nervous,” he blurted, stopping a little too sharply at a red light. “What if I mess up? What if I step on his feet? Oh god, what if I pass out?”

“Chill,” Petra said. “You two have been through hell and come out fucking—I mean, singing. It’s gonna be fine.”

Lukas rolled his eyes. “I heard that.”

Petra laughed, throwing her feet up on the dashboard. 

“Get your feet off there,” Lukas grumbled. “That’s nice wood paneling. Also, are you wearing combat boots with a suit?”

“Hey, I at least  _ wore _ a suit!” Petra retorted, readjusting her gold tie for emphasis. “I don’t have a single pair of nice shoes, okay?”

“Valid excuse,” Lukas said. “But how did you manage to convince your grandparents to let you come to prom as ‘single?’ They are the most—”

“Paranoid and traditional as old white people come, I know,” Petra finished. “They weren’t too fond of me wearing a suit in the first place. But you’re gonna love this, buddy. I told them I was going  _ with you!” _

Lukas burst out laughing, almost missing the turn onto Olivia’s street.

“Jokes on them,” he muttered. “I’m assuming they’re gonna want a couple’s photo? For that wall of family photos they have?”

Petra nodded, a huge smirk on her face. 

When they pulled into Olivia’s driveway, she was already outside, sitting on the porch, in a red dress with a poofy skirt made of… tulle? Was that what she called it? Next to him, Petra visibly tensed, and muttered, “Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw, she looks gorgeous.”

Lukas burst out laughing for the second time. 

Olivia must’ve heard that, because she looked up from her phone, an amused and incredulous look on her face.

“Oh, you’re here!” She exclaimed. “I’ll go grab my parents.”

Petra jumped up, practically vaulting over the car door. “Oi, get back here!” She yelled, scrambling for the corsage she’d brought. “I’ve got a—oh, hi, mister and missus Ellis.”

Lukas got out of his car, glancing at Olivia’s adoptive parents. They obviously weren’t related by blood, given that Mr. Ellis was short, thin, and bald, and Mrs. Ellis was tall, curvy, and brunette, but Olivia seemed comfortable with them. After all, she’d mentioned that she’d been living with them since she was fourteen, and that they’d become as close as family could get. 

“You must be Petra!” Mr. Ellis exclaimed, shaking her hand enthusiastically. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Petra nodded nervously. “I—ah, am honored to meet you,” she said. 

“I’m Lukas,” Lukas said. “One of Olivia’s friends.”

Mrs. Ellis nodded. “She’s mentioned you plenty as well,” she replied, shaking his hand. 

Lukas smiled politely. He felt nervous and awkward without anybody to carry the conversation. 

“Oh, by the way,” he said. “Petra and I are gonna need to take a couple’s photo. Her grandparents don’t know she’s going with Olivia. They aren’t exactly...”

“Supportive?” Mrs. Ellis asked. 

Lukas nodded. 

“No problem,” Mr. Ellis said. “We’ll get the photos taken care of as soon as the rest of your friends get here.”

“Oh, Axel can’t come tonight, dad,” Olivia said. “He’s got med school. Jesse said he’s on his way, though. The bus got stuck in traffic.”

Lukas felt a rush of anxiety upon hearing Jesse’s name. He’d been looking forward to tonight for awhile, but now that it was  _ actually  _ happening, his anxious feelings and nervous energy were off the charts. 

He had no idea what would happen tonight. 

Suddenly, there was a shout from down the street. 

“I’m here! I made it! I’m not late yet!”

Lukas whirled around, and there he was, tearing up the sidewalk with his duffel bag of paints on his shoulder, just ahead of the limo that had been chartered to take them to Olive Garden, of course. And he was wearing… oh. 

Lukas stared in awe at Jesse’s suit, which he’d obviously made a few modifications to. 

The pants and shirt were untouched, but the jacket, oh, the jacket, was painted like a sunset. A glorious red, orange, and yellow sunset, a few pine trees painted at the base on the back of it. On the top, near the collar, there were stars scattered in the inky blackness of the night sky. Jesse had combed his hair out of his face, just like he had on Christmas Eve. 

He looked  _ stunning. _

“Oh shit, Lukas, you good?” Petra asked. “You look like you just got hit in the head by a watermelon.”

Jesse glanced at her. “That is… an oddly specific analogy. But  _ cariño,  _ your face is super red. Like, strawberry.”

Lukas smiled, shaking his head. “I got something for you,” he said, holding out the corsage. 

Jesse’s eyes lit up as he pulled it out of the box and pinned it on his lapel. “You remembered my favorite flower!” He exclaimed. “I love cornflowers. I got you one, too.”

Lukas felt his blush deepen as Jesse fished a small, slightly crushed box out of his duffel bag. 

“Oh, I hope it’s not too smashed,” he mumbled, opening it. 

Lukas raised his eyebrows, staring at the small, pretty purple flowers. 

“The lady said they were lilacs,” Jesse said. “Kept trying to ask me about my lucky girl. I didn’t really have the heart to tell her that it was for my depressed English major boyfriend.”

Everybody laughed, even Olivia’s parents. 

“Here,” Jesse said, pinning it on Lukas’s lapel. “Do you mind if I chuck my bag in your car?”

“Go ahead,” Lukas said. “It’s over there. The car that practically gave Petra an aneurysm when she first saw it.”

“Oh, so the Impala,” Jesse said, walking over and dropping his bag in the backseat. 

Olivia snorted. 

“Well, would you young ladies and gentlemen like to take your photos now?” Mr. Ellis asked, holding up his camera. 

Jesse grinned. “You ready, Lukas?”

Lukas nodded. For once, he was. 

<~>

After the photos, including a very awkward photo for Petra’s grandparents where Petra’s superior height made everything twice as difficult, they said goodbye to Olivia’s parents and piled into the limo. 

“Remember, we’ve gotta take a shitload of photos for Axel,” Olivia said. 

“Hell yeah,” Jesse remarked. “Lukas, look! They’ve got fancy shot glasses!”

“No booze though,” Petra teased. 

Lukas smirked. “Gee, I guess the school doesn’t want us drunk,” he remarked sarcastically. “That would ruin  _ everything.” _

Everybody laughed. 

Lukas couldn’t help but admire the interior of the limo. He’d never been to a strip club, but he had a feeling, with the sleek design and neon lighting and the music coming out of the speakers that this looked pretty similar to one. 

He liked it all the same. 

“Hey, Lukas,” Petra said. “What would you say is the gayest song you can think of?”

Lukas glanced at her. “Do you mean, like, subtext, or actual lyrics?”

Petra smirked. “Subtext. What song can you think of that gives off an incredible amount of gay energy that only the people you want to pick up on it will pick up on?”

“Strawberries & Cigarettes,” Jesse interrupted. “Troye Sivan. I think the song is in the  _ Love Simon _ soundtrack. Maybe. I can never remember.”

Lukas laughed. “Okay, yeah,” he said. “I was gonna say  _ Girls Like Girls  _ by Hayley Kiyoko, but then again, that’s lesbian energy.”

“Hayley Kiyoko is basically a lesbian goddess,” Olivia remarked. “I mean,  _ Curious _ ?  _ What I Need _ ? She’s become the messiah of women who like women.”

“And she’s hot,” Petra added. 

“Can’t relate,” Lukas grunted. “I never really was a lady killer.”

Everybody laughed again. 

“What, why are  _ you _ laughing?” Lukas demanded, giving Jesse a fake scowl. “I remember you telling me you had a crush on effing Sebastian Stan when you were in middle school, so you can shut up.”

“And you have a thing for the guy who played Newt Scamander, so I think we’re even,” Jesse retorted with a grin.

“Touché,” Lukas grumbled. 

Olivia and Petra both started giggling. 

<~>

By the time they reached Olive Garden, ate dinner, and made it to the school, the party was already in full swing. 

Lukas winced at the blast of noise as they went in. He’d never been to prom before, which made him even more nervous than he already was, especially because he kept noticing girls taking glances at Jesse in his beautiful jacket. 

Jesse, however, didn’t seem bothered at all. He almost immediately went for the dance floor, Olivia tailing him. 

Lukas smiled. Those two were probably already gossiping about their respective date mates. 

“Hey, you wanna drink?”

Lukas jumped. For someone three inches taller than him with a considerably larger amount of muscle, Petra was a little too good at sneaking up on him. 

“You know the punch is probably spiked at this point, right?” Lukas said. 

“Yeah, that’s why I grabbed a water bottle from Olivia’s house,” Petra replied. “Want some?”

Lukas nodded, taking a few sips before passing the bottle back. All these people were making him a little nervous, but at least he had friends with him, he thought, as Olivia ran up and grabbed his arm. 

“The photo station is open!” She shouted over the music. “Come on, guys! Jesse’s holding our place in line!”


	27. 95 Days After

The rest of the night seemed to fly by. 

At first, Lukas was incredibly nervous, but he slowly began to relax. He had to admit, this was fun—the music, the dancing, all of it was beautiful, in a way.

They’d gone out and danced, ate some snacks, and joked around plenty, but the highlight of the night was when some drunk asshole junior had started rudely hitting on Olivia and Petra had snatched the guy’s flask emptied it on his head. 

Lukas smirked. He was going to have to remember the look on the guy’s face, because that would cheer him up a lot faster than funny cat videos. 

After a while, he ended up drawing to the side, sipping from his water bottle and watching a couple of juniors (who must’ve snuck some alcohol in) drunkenly dancing. Earlier, all of the senior guys in the drama club had done some dance for their girlfriends and the prom king and queen had already been crowned, and by now, it was late enough that the crowd was starting to diminish. 

Petra was out on the dance floor with Olivia. The two of them seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

Lukas smiled. A year ago, he never would’ve thought Petra would get to have something like this. She looked happier than she ever been. 

He glanced down at his watch. Eleven thirty. Prom was ending in about fifteen minutes, he realized. 

“I’m back,” Jesse said, nudging his arm. “Are you good? You look like you’re spacing out.”

Lukas nodded. “I’m just happy for Petra,” he said. “She was in such a bad place for a while, but now she’s here. She’s got a girlfriend and a dog. Life has really gotten better for her in the past year or so.”

Jesse smiled. “She certainly looks like she’s having a good time,” he remarked. “Oh, she’s talking to the DJ. I wonder what’s up.”

Lukas shrugged. “I don’t know, but ever since she discovered John Mulaney, she’s wanted to request that one song at least seven times.”

That got a laugh out of Jesse. “You mean  _ What’s New, Pussycat?” _

Lukas laughed and nodded. 

The song currently playing ended, and the DJ spoke into the mic. “This next song, a slow song, goes out to Jesse and Lukas!” he shouted, and Lukas froze, suddenly realizing why Petra had asked about music in the limo. 

He knew this opening. 

_ Remember when we first met, _

_ You said, ‘light my cigarette.” _

_ So I lied to my mom and dad, _

_ I jumped the fence and I ran.  _

Lukas glanced across the dance floor, shooting Petra a glare. She met his eyes, giving him her trademark shit-eating grin. 

He glanced at Jesse. 

_ Long nights, daydreams, _

_ Sugar and smoke rings, I’ve been a fool, _

_ But strawberries & cigarettes _

_ Always taste like you.  _

Nervousness flashed in his eyes as he held out his hand.

“You wanna dance?”

“Of course.”

It was awkward at first, and Lukas almost stepped on Jesse’s feet several times, but they finally found a comfortable rhythm. 

_ Headlights, on me, _

_ Racing to 60, I’ve been a fool, _

_ But strawberries & cigarettes  _

_ Always taste like _

_ Blue eyes, black jeans, _

_ Lighters and candy, I’ve been a fool, _

_ But strawberries & cigarettes  _

_ Always taste like you _

Lukas realized Jesse had drawn him closer, moving his hand from his hip to around his waist. 

He almost froze up as their fingers laced together. 

They continued to dance. 

And then, finally, Jesse leaned up and kissed him, very gently on his lips. 

“ _ Te amo,  _ Lukas.  _ Te amo.” _

Lukas smiled. “Jesse, there’s people watching,” he murmured. 

“I think just seeing us dancing already tips them off about how gay we are for each other,” Jesse replied. 

Lukas chuckled softly. “I guess you’re right.”

_ Blue eyes, black jeans (you always leave me wanting more) _

_ Lighters and candy, I’ve been a fool (I can’t shake my hunger for) _

_ Strawberries & cigarettes  _

_ Always taste like you _


	28. 123 Days After

“You got everything ready to go?” Axel asked, leaning out the window. 

Lukas threw his backpack onto his seat in the van. “Yep,” he said, dragging his suitcase around to the back. 

They’d decided to follow through with their plan for February, but with a few modifications. 

Olivia rolled down the passenger side window. “Lukas, can you rein your boyfriend in?” She demanded. “He brought a pack of gummy bears, and he started throwing them at me.”

Lukas laughed, climbing into the backseat. “You better get used to it,” he said. “It’s not like I can control him, so you better get used to it if you wanna drive all the way to Axel’s aunt’s house. Where is it, California?” 

“Oregon,” Axel corrected. 

Jesse grinned. “Think fast,  _ cariño,”  _ he said, tossing a gummy bear at him. 

Lukas caught it in his mouth, and Petra, who was sprawled across the third row of seats with Bravo in her lap, laughed. “Yeah, two weeks across the country, then a week on the west coast. Nothing more like team bonding than spending hours in a car together!”

Axel handed his phone back as he turned onto the main road. “Lukas, since I have developed an aversion to Beyoncé after sitting through an hour and a half of Olivia trying to do karaoke, you get to pick the music.”

Olivia scowled. “I’m not  _ that _ shitty of a singer.”

“Jesse, I need a gummy bear,” Petra said. “We’re in the same boat, ‘Livi. Lukas doesn’t like AC/DC! How can you not like AC/DC?”

“Right, I know,” Axel remarked sarcastically, and everyone burst out laughing. 

Lukas smiled. He felt good about this trip. In the past month, he’d gotten better. He hadn’t cut himself in weeks, and he’d been in a better mood than ever. 

He had friends now. 

He had a  _ family.  _

Jesse leaned on his shoulder, scrolling through Axel’s Spotify. “What’re we listening to, captain?” He asked, popping another gummy bear into his mouth. 

Lukas grinned, making his choice, and the familiar opening of  _ Dancing’s Not A Crime  _ began to blast from the speakers. 

Jesse laughed, kissing him on the cheek. “I love you so much.”

Petra made a fake gagging sound. “Oh, you guys seem like you can’t wait to be alone at the hotel tonight,” she teased. 

Lukas rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t you and Olivia love to do the same thing.”

“Touché,” Petra remarked, and Olivia and Axel snorted. 

Lukas smiled as Jesse stuck his tongue out at Petra and handed her a gummy bear. 

He had new life.

  
  


~The End~


	29. Blue Monday Playlist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I have assembled a playlist inspired by the story. Enjoy!

Morning In America—Jon Bellion

Bohemian Rhapsody—Queen

Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down—Fallout Boy

Out of My League—Fitz & The Tantrums

Colors—Halsey

Upside Down & Inside Out—OK Go

High Hopes—Panic! At The Disco

for him.—Troye Sivan

Roman Holiday—Halsey

Bad Liar—Imagine Dragons

Camisado—Panic! At The Disco

Growing Pains—Alessia Cara

Rainbow Veins—Owl City

Ghost—Halsey

Good Things Fall Apart—ILLENIUM, Jon Bellion 

Starring Roll—MARINA

Talk—Khalid

Dancing’s Not A Crime—Panic! At The Disco 

Honey—Kehlani

This Is Gospel—Panic! At The Disco 

Polaroid—Imagine Dragons

This Feeling—The Chainsmokers

I Have Questions—Camila Cabello

Young Volcanoes—Fallout Boy

Fashion—Jon Bellion 

Waving Through A Window—Dear Evan Hansen (the musical)

Death Of A Bachelor—Panic! At The Disco 

Oh, Calamity!—All Time Low

Jungle—Jon Bellion

Strawberries & Cigarettes—Troy Sivan


End file.
